If you have talked to me in the last few days and I have been a little short or snarky know that it is nothing against you. I have not been feeling well and did not fully realize it until this weekend while sitting around while my kidney area threw bursts of pain through my body. I could not move without being in crazy pain.
Thought it was from not drinking enough water in the last week or so but my doctor suggested it may be kidney stones (DeeJay also suggested this so I blame him for the diagnosis). Fever and sluggishness. The kidney pain went away bit by bit over the weekend. Luckily I broke my fever this morning but I still feel upper respiratory problems. Not good.
If you would have seen what I wore this morning truly the fact that Im not well should have come across. I looked as if a 5 year old dressed me: red shoes, hot pink socks, navy blue pants, bright blue shirt and a brown track jacket. Nothing coordinated or even matched - I looked like I got dressed in the dark!

I just did not fully realize just how stressed I was until this weekend. My body knew but I am of mind to ignore it until I get done what I need to get done. No time to get sick, I cannot schedule sickness. So the magical pause button that will stop the world for a while would be wonderful - a week is all I need. Just one week. (Otherwise who wants to take the GRE for me?)

Otherwise I love my friends. They don't shy/run away when I am cranky and sickly. Lunching with me so I don't eat boxed food in front of the tube. They continue to listen to my inane rambling about life and love, and offering sound advice when I so need it.
I could not have gotten this far through winter and through this semester without you all - online and offline.



So the heavens continue to spin and I am left wondering when the reeling will cease. I know, it won't.
Girls are as confusing as ever and I don't see that stopping anytime soon either. Every time I think I am just relaxing and going with the flow of things a wrench is thrown into that works. Just been trying to have a good time with little to no drama.

I have not fallen on my head, I am not crazy, I do not have a brain tumor. Bianca and I are going to try that friend thing again. So far, so good.

School, life, and political action have to take precedence. This is the home stretch. Graduation is coming up soon and I must actually graduate. I would feel like such an asshole if I don't at this point.
I went into the graduation fair to price announcements, next thing I know is that I am being sized for my graduation gown. I could say nothing, he just ran through it so fast. Next thing I know I am looking at class rings, announcements and commencement tickets. Talking with Jarrod about a graduation party. What the hell!? I told myself that I was not going to walk - my plan was to actually leave town for the weekend. (I have my eye on Chicago.)
I left the graduation fair without the announcements (I can design something better and cheaper!). You can't take me shopping anywhere.

Have speeded the job finding process. My lab position should get me up til mid-May but I will need something, anything, after that. Still looking to go to D.C. on the so I hope to have a job when I come back on the 21st.

Right now action is on my plate - political action. Photographed the Peace Action on Sunday - will post photos later this week. AAUW Choice speaker tomorrow. Feminist United 'Rally for Choice' on Friday, 2pm, Nichol's Fountain. CODEPINK has arrived in Kansas City. These next two months will be lots of fun.

Everything is spinning so damned fast. I have so much to do and so little time to do it. But I must not get too bogged down; don't want to break down.


to the brim

The height of my epiphany came over me like a silent fart from an old dog. That great game of musical chairs has been played and I am the one left standing. I think I got pushed heading for that chair and then the other chair was pulled out from underneath me.
Next Missy Koonce and friends broke into a horrible sing-along rendition of Rent's 'Seasons of Love'. It was at that point that I wished I were anywhere but on this planet. I think my heart broke a little more; perhaps the duct tape and gorilla glue are losing their grip.


hate and being afraid

I hate to think that I was someone's 3 1/2 year sabbatical. I am afraid it is what it is.
There is much that I was afraid to see. I am now afraid of being crushed again - crushed so far beyond recognition. I have a hard time giving my heart away, so reluctant. Now I am afraid that reluctance has multiplied.
I have always wondered what is the point of starting a relationship if you do not feel as if you will fall in love. Still I realize just how fleeting and not enough love is. I never plan to fall or to love. I love people, I care for people. Falling in love does not come easy and usually sneaks up on me in the middle of the night. I know I have been in love with only two people.
One of my best friends from high school, innocent and lovely. Our connection has always been strong and continues to be so. I am sure we have known one another in past lives.
The second was all-consuming; passion and fire. The love came over me so quietly, so stealth-like. I was only looking for a good time, for sex. As she was. Before she knew it I could feel the words forming on her breath. I did not want it. I told her, "Not another peep" as we laid together sweaty, intertwined.
Until I fell as well. I became hers soon afterward.
She left her life in Olathe, her ex-boyfriend, her cats (ok she had partial custody). Moved into a studio apartment downtown but resided in my bedroom. We would make love until the sun dawned through my windows. Eventually we decided that since we practically lived together we should actually live together.
The pendulum of our relationship swung back and forth. Passion, violence, pain, joy, innocence, knowing. In love.

She has moved back into her old life. Olathe. Ex-boyfriend. Cats. Making me doubt everything. It's not as if I didn't doubt before, I did. She just makes it look so easy. 3 1/2 years and they don't seem to skip a beat. He acts as if he likes being used, being taken advantage of. True I let her do much of it to me but I know she has put him through a lot more. (He would drive her to my house so we could fuck and then pick her up in the morning so she could go to work.) I knew that if things got rough between us he would be the one she would run to because he takes all that she dishes out.
Imagine taking your girlfriend back after her 3 1/2 year sabbatical with another woman. I cannot.

Just not sure where that leaves me. And should it really leave me anywhere? I have picked up my life and continue to move forward. But looking back and figure out the past helps me to dismantle and put back the pieces of these past years, to put myself back together.