Some people in the life I cannot lie to. When I talk to these people the words, pain, and laughter just come tumbling out. I don't hide behind the veneer of 'I'm okay.' or 'It's fine.'
It just happens so naturally. I don't hold my toungue and they open their ears to receive what I have to say. They are few in numbers which makes my love for them so much more.

This is so different from the rest of the world who just wish to lay thier words and secrets into me. I am a good listener and I have been since I was a child. I observe, I take notice, I learn about people. For the most part I really enjoy hearing the stories that people have to tell, hearing the pieces of their lives that they wish to share. But with that comes my own silence. Everybody wants to be heard and I think most people can forget that in the telling of their own tales. I've just become so used to it and expect it.

That is not to say that I wish to talk talk talk, that is not me either. Just occasionally interject a piece of myself into the world if only to make sure I am still alive.


fall and rise or something like that

Well it happened and it was wonderful. Discussions of expectations and desires. Coy smiles and flustered speech. Her eyes are so expressive while her figidty nature betrays the nervous sexual energy.
Back to my place. Her ready smile put me at ease so I opted for lights on. The kissing was phenomenal and came so easy - no awkward positioning or missed marks. She has beautifully full lips that know exactly where to brush, push and pull back. Clothes came off so easily and without incident. Next I know were on the bed and Im loving every moment. It was as if we were having sex for the 20th time - I didnt feel self conscious about my body or noises and she seemingly knew every spot to stroke. She responded to every moan, scratch and bite in kind. Awesome - as in 3 orgasms - sex.

All I wanted was a good time and with no guilt - well I got both with the next morning feeling happy but sleepy. Wishing that I would not use my cell phone as an alarm so I can turn it off at night.

After she left the hazy after was shattered by calls for explanation and admission of supposed shame. I refused to comply and Red wishes to smash that desire with insincere calls to loyalty and friendship. Admitting that she intervened on her own detached feelings and "friends dont keep secrets!" Well friends also do not hold their friends belongings hostage. Or call them a slut when knowing beforehand what was going down and encouraging it. I understand her ego is feeling bruised and she is combative about sex but she promised she would not go there.

This is something that will be nipped in the bud and I refuse to let it ruin the experience.



i felt the itch to run out of my house. to go where i have not a clue. i drove. thought maybe i was hungry but the food didn't taste the same. heavy feeling of being alone. could not think of anyone to call or what i would say if i reached someone. called myself instead with a message of loneliness and confusion. i was unfazed. i found one of the highest places in kansas city. sat there wishing i could shake out of this blankness. i wanted company but not the shiny happy kind you would find at a bar - although i thought vaguely of it each time i passed someplace. none truly seemed welcoming or perhaps i was the unwelcoming one. i drove here and there, running stop lights and stop signs and driving on the wrong side of the road. i knew i shouldnt be on the streets but i didnt know what to do or really how to get home. every instinct told me to stay away. thought failed me and i stared at the passing road blankly. if i were pulled over i do not think words would have come from my lips.

alone. i know.


days go by

Many who know me in real life know that I am usually the sober responsible one - the designated driver if you will. Its been a strange two days. I left her a note telling her that I was gone for good. I truly meant it.

Letters were found bearing the name of another girl, my replacement. Or so it would seem. Feelings transposed onto others. Cancelled picnics. But I called for the break. That didn't mean I wanted to be lied to. I was done.

I spent that night anxious for her to find the letter. I could barely sleep and I felt so sick. Weeping myself to sleep. Waking up anxious and extra early. I needed the sleep but could not fall back into it. I spent my morning walking around in a daze. Waiting.

She called me once she found the note. She begged me to understand, to take her back, to love her. The beast was released from my chest and I let her have it all. Luckily I was in the attic office far from the foot traffic of students. I bawled and screamed. Pain that was held in because I called for the break. Understanding but feeling so overlooked, ignored. Talk. Talk. Talk. Attempting to work, her attempting to calm my heart and to reassure. I told her to fuck off.

Spent the day hungry but not wanting to eat. The desire had left me. I drove around searching for food that could go down with my pain. The salad and bread that I usually enjoy felt thin and without flavor. Yet I knew my body needed to eat so I ate. Everyone could feel the sorrow, the pain flowing from my chest. Prying yet unable to loosen the information.

She arrived on a burst of salsa, wishing to whisk me away to western Kansas to chase the pheonix. The paper that I intended to write lay blank. I could not write, only stare.
She tearfully hugged me and convinced me to leave the cocoon of my office so we could talk.

Drive, drive, drive. Past Olathe, past Eudora, past Lawrence, past Topeka. Popping the X that we had bought the night before. Stopping at this antiquated gas station; city folk we could barely figure out the pump. 14.70 on the dot. Attempting to find Tuttle Lake. Finding farms and dusty roads instead and finally the sunset. Colors meshing, sharing the pain, the love, the anger. Hours pass, rolling. Fears aired as well as the truth. Waves crashing into me as I sat happily stunned. Clouds that we wished to live on, to escape the misunderstandings and hurt, the real world.


Cops pulled behind us, wondering what two black girls from Kansas City were doing out in the small town so far from home. A break from the grind of school and work. A day trip to see the sunset. They checked and checked everything they could, asking questions matching our stories to our records. Le sigh. After a forever of moments they returned and told us that the sun was to set soon and that we should be on our way thereafter. Must remain polite, we did. They left us to our sunset. Deciding that I should drive back we switched seats and I grabbed my iPod from the trunk to listen over the radio.

Once on the hi-way to head back a cop was sitting on the side of the road and next thing you know were being pulled over again. Driving the speed limit never felt so good. I was told that my frame was blocking my license plate. (*cough*bullshit*cough*) Guess we were being watched earlier as I grabbed my iPod so they requested to search my trunk. Well I mostly live out of my car so backpacks, boxes, and sweaters line the inside, nothing to hide. He did a half assed search knowing he had no reason to do so. We could go. Have a nice day.


Driving back home we travel different ways, finding new roads, unpeeling the layers of our relationship. Finding new ways home and new understandings of old problems. Missed our normal way home but found another through Tonganoxie, Bonner Springs, Kansas City Kansas. Met up with a magic man who fed us more candy. Dropped by the office to get her keys so we could nest at her home.

Dancing, cuddling, crying, remembering. Everything aired. Nearly three years. Talking until the dawn, music washing over the house, kitties looking in wonder. Realized that we would not be going to work or school. We spent the morning loving and she let go of the control and I felt like a goddess. Giving and taking pleasure. Beating new records so easily.

Waking in the afternoon determined to run to the bank and finish my paper. Office hours forgotten, meetings cancelled. I churned it out with her by my side, critiquing, suggesting. Knowing that we would spend that night the same as before. The grind calls and we wanted no distraction left for the rest of the semester.


So much discussion. Quick words sliding off our tongues, an exciting crescendo. Dancing to wonderful ballads and compositions. Apologies for past actions and inactions. Feeding each others desire to be more. Yet sleep lulled me as we cuddled in the bed together with all of the animals. Words of love still poised on our lips as we awake to find the other still there.

The morning spent trying to avoid the world that drags on. Deciphering our merged auras. Happy tears of the morning jazz. The rush of responsibility pulling us out of the bed. The world waiting, we rejoin.