hate and being afraid

I hate to think that I was someone's 3 1/2 year sabbatical. I am afraid it is what it is.
There is much that I was afraid to see. I am now afraid of being crushed again - crushed so far beyond recognition. I have a hard time giving my heart away, so reluctant. Now I am afraid that reluctance has multiplied.
I have always wondered what is the point of starting a relationship if you do not feel as if you will fall in love. Still I realize just how fleeting and not enough love is. I never plan to fall or to love. I love people, I care for people. Falling in love does not come easy and usually sneaks up on me in the middle of the night. I know I have been in love with only two people.
One of my best friends from high school, innocent and lovely. Our connection has always been strong and continues to be so. I am sure we have known one another in past lives.
The second was all-consuming; passion and fire. The love came over me so quietly, so stealth-like. I was only looking for a good time, for sex. As she was. Before she knew it I could feel the words forming on her breath. I did not want it. I told her, "Not another peep" as we laid together sweaty, intertwined.
Until I fell as well. I became hers soon afterward.
She left her life in Olathe, her ex-boyfriend, her cats (ok she had partial custody). Moved into a studio apartment downtown but resided in my bedroom. We would make love until the sun dawned through my windows. Eventually we decided that since we practically lived together we should actually live together.
The pendulum of our relationship swung back and forth. Passion, violence, pain, joy, innocence, knowing. In love.

She has moved back into her old life. Olathe. Ex-boyfriend. Cats. Making me doubt everything. It's not as if I didn't doubt before, I did. She just makes it look so easy. 3 1/2 years and they don't seem to skip a beat. He acts as if he likes being used, being taken advantage of. True I let her do much of it to me but I know she has put him through a lot more. (He would drive her to my house so we could fuck and then pick her up in the morning so she could go to work.) I knew that if things got rough between us he would be the one she would run to because he takes all that she dishes out.
Imagine taking your girlfriend back after her 3 1/2 year sabbatical with another woman. I cannot.

Just not sure where that leaves me. And should it really leave me anywhere? I have picked up my life and continue to move forward. But looking back and figure out the past helps me to dismantle and put back the pieces of these past years, to put myself back together.

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