beep beep goes the processor

Processing. Processing.
In the act of working through and figuring out exactly how I want my life to go.
Talking with others about what's going on seems to help a bit. Took myself to a film which was helpful as well.
Today I turned off my phone which helped me to focus on myself more. 'Its just a phone' is what I was told last night. But its not; it is so much more. Its a potential connection to others whether online or off. I can do everything from texting to calling to emailing (hell I can even check myspace sometimes.). It is absolutely ridiculous. In all the craziness that was/is February I forgot to disconnect for myself.

Dealing with possibilities, endings, and past regrets. The complex has grown.
Yes, yes. I am going to harp on this. I am going to delve. I am seen as an intense person. Yes, intense, intimidating.
I guess this can be both a good and bad. I am a serious person. Too serious I would say most days. Even my fun is serious. I guess for many people that can be too much. I understand that.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to have fun, to have a good time. That doesn't mean I want to rush into a relationship. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be happy with just today. I was told that I shouldn't change me.

My spirit's crush factor seems to be getting around. I get crushes so easily. Gender, sexuality be damned. My being enamored with someone crosses all kinds of boundaries and knows no limits. I gave up long ago trying to understand it or fix it - it just is. It is me.

Yesterday I got a reading from Quan Tracy Cherry. The subject of how deeply I feel things came up. Staying in the past holds me back. My mother came up in the reading twice. He told me to continue on my path - do not allow her or myself to stop me. The main card he pulled was the Ace of Cups. In his deck the Ace of Cups is represented by a figure diving into water. In the water a swan lies in wait - that swan is to represent myself. The work that I have started will manifest in coming into my own power within the next couple of years. The work is justified - I didn't need a reading to figure that out but it is good to have validation.
For the rest he told me to follow my instinct to head out there - regardless of school.
I had a reading done by another reader. Much of the same he told me to find my anchor. To make sure I had people in place when I arrived. He even has some advice for the places that I was looking at. Here is not where I belong. I don't think you need to be a psychic to read that.

Although I was not a main organizer the Sex Fair had taken a lot of space in the last two weeks. From bar to bar, club to club. Sending out reminders, passing out fliers and condoms. Threats from the administration to halt the consent tent or be shut down. We complied but the aftereffects of the Sex Fair have yet to fully form. Hopefully it turns out ok but I need to learn more before I talk about it. Otherwise the fair was a success. Many people showed up and everything came out really well. We were even on the 10 o' clock news - live broadcasts and all.

I needed to disconnect for most of the day but that did not stop me from having coffee with Destin. Coffee without quotations. Good conversation. Got more explanations. Learned some things that I don't know if I needed to know but its all good. Reminded me of the times when I would come by her office and an hour or two would pass by without me noticing (I am sure my boss noticed.).
I think we are good now. No need to cut bitches. I kid, I kid.

That tree I was barking up well I put my foot in my mouth and I think I bit off a toe.
Mentioned something - out of what I thought was funny - and well it did not go over too well. I thought it was nothing to get upset about but I was wrong - so very wrong.
"You shouldn't have told me that." Yep.
I pretty much got kicked out after that. I am leaving things to cool off for today with the hopes of salvaging a friendship.
In some ways I think I may have intended to wound because she told me some things that did not sit too well with me. I was blind-sided and I just started talking - again do not confuse me, people. It is still no excuse but it is what it is. I will apologize and move forward.

I need to keep myself from dwelling. Think through, process, move on. Learn the lesson you need to learn and move forward with that knowledge.


VD Madness

I am now home after just leaving Tootsie's. Don't ask.
The hangover is gone so I guess it is time to write about my Valentine's Day activities and festivities. A day of disclaimers, possibilities and other assorted nonsense.

Let us start off with some of the nonsense. Seems that the administration is getting a bit jittery about our upcoming Sex Fair. There were talks of shutting down the fair, not selling vagina chocolates, and completely cutting out our Consent Tent.
We were not allowed to table yesterday and sell our vagina chocolates to the student body. So many weird emergency committee meetings - meetings that had none of the organizers present, mind you.


Things are full speed ahead with the exception of the Consent Tent. One of the more controversial aspects of the Sex Fair with a very simple intent. You and your partner/friend/willing stranger write your names on a consent card and choose the activity of your choice, which you agree to do for 90 seconds.
Now I know you creative folks can imagine the things that you can do within the privacy of a stand-up tent for 90 seconds. Well the administration can imagine and are scared for their collective asses. I was only slightly scared that I would have no one to consent with - Maria has now agreed to tap dance with me for 90 seconds in the tent. I am no longer worried. :)
We plan to have the tent unless they tell us otherwise and provide documentation on how they came to their decision. I want this damn tent more than anything at this point.
I say that if they want to shut down our consent tent we set up an impromptu tent state, everybody get in the tents with giant signs in front of them saying "We Consent!"

Interestingly we had a meeting with Mel Tyler today. I walked in a couple of minutes after the start of the meeting, silently set down, whipped out my reporter's notebook, and started writing. At this point he got this super stiff with a mean look on his face. He starts to grill me about who I am and what I am doing there. Am I a reporter or a student? I simply state the my name is Jovan and that I am a member of Feminists United and I also work for the University News. He demands to know if I am there as a member of the press or Feminists United. Hilarious. I keep my cool - I always keep my cool in these situations. He looked like he was about to start frothing from the mouth or get up and snatch my notebook from me.

It was quite lovely to have that power to make certain people so uncomfortable and upset that they very visibly lose their composure. He then speeds through the meeting and promises to pay us for the missed sales out of his very own pocket. We have our sex fair and wait on word of the tent. So far a win.


The rest of my V-Day was filled with classes and doing last minute readings for them. I really had no plans or expectations for this day - I never do. i wore a skirt but not for V-Day, I kept trying to wear the damned thing but never got around to it. I was super cute with my short khaki skirt, knee-hi brown/orange argyle socks, my light brown argyle running shoes, and a light pink striped polo. Must also mention that I had my big silver hoops in. Black women with fros and silver hoops are hot by default.
During the afternoon Kylie brought me two white roses and a Care Bear valentine. Very nice but unnecessary. (This is the second time in two weeks that people have just given me roses. Im more of a lavender girl. Roses are nice but so common. :P)

I bought myself some Chinese food and quite time at my office desk. Class was dull as usual. I swear my class is filled with glass-eyed cows.
I rushed out of class to find a computer. People kept sending me messages and reading them from my cell phone is a long and arduous process.

Starting messaging back and forth with a certain woman of interest. I was told that it was fine we date but "it has to be slow and stealthy ninja dating".

Fine. (That is not a pissed 'fine' but a slightly amused 'fine'. Text leaves so much to be desired sometimes.)

I understand caution; I understand that dating is a terrifying experience that lesbians tend to avoid at all costs. I also understand that lesbians - or at least all of the lesbians I come into contact with - are scared of me. Not in a Im-gonna-get-beat-up scared but there is an irrational fear that I am trying to tie them down into matrimony and joint pets. I am getting a complex and V-Day only helped to increase this. More of that later.
While working that out Maria and I talk and decide to skip Afentra's VD Party where we were supposed to volunteer for Planned Parenthood. Hell it was 5.30 and I had no intentions of going. My new plan for the evening was to go home, reheat my Chinese leftovers, smoke a bowl, and watch Kung Fu Hustle. This sounded like a divine V-Day plan that I could get behind.

That was not to be.

Maria and others had plans to gather the singles together and see the Burly-Q Girls at the Brick. Sort of a FU VD type night. This was something I could get behind as well.
I take care of the dishes, put away my Chinese leftovers, and walk to Maria's place. After Maria finishes preparing for our outing we walk upstairs to Destin's apartment. We all hop into Diana's ride and head out.

Once there we get our drinks and Jacob joins us. I decided to start out with a pepsi and vodka. The show starts, we are having a great time. The Burly-Q Girls put on an awesome show. I continue with more drinks. I am then drunk. Drunk as fuck to everyones amusement.

I am a sassy and sometimes sexually vulgar drunk but I am no fighter. I know when we need to move to a new topic or when I need to start moving my body. It is truly a beautiful disaster.

At one point I actually squirted lube on this guy - Jacob was a bad influence. When I get drunk I get really really honest. I don't think Im mean really but I get more direct. At one point Diana and I are talking about women and getting laid. I think I said something to the effect that I wasn't asking forever but someone who would eat my pussy, occasionally have dinner, and have good conversations with. (This is drunken frustration at this point.) I shout 'damn bitches' or something like that and point at Destin. She looks at me like 'what' and then runs over. I say I didn't mean bitches in a mean way - which I didn't. It was more of a funny how-fucked-up-is-that way. (Imagine me trying to write this while drunk. Im not seeing it!)
She is hugging me and rocking me side to side as she apologizes for her behavior and blah blah blah. I drunkenly tell her that she shouldn't have done that because when we first talked I made sure that I got across that we were friends and that the sex was secondary. This goes for any of my friends/dates/misc: If you have a problem with me or anything else, talk to me. Don't freak out and run away.

She kept saying that she likes me and I am awesome but she is damaged goods.


I tell you girls are dizzying. I'm not sure what people expect of me or how they see me. I like to think I am a rational person and it personally offends me when people act or treat me like I am irrational. Not sure if that makes much sense but that is how I feel. And we all know feeling are not rational.

We are all damaged goods. I am damaged goods.

If you live, breathe, love, interact with other human beings it is a given that you are damaged goods. There is no one who is a perfect person who is in a perfect mental place with a perfect life. I do not believe in that.
They keep telling me that I can do better, that I am better than they are. I reject that as false.

What happened to that part in dating where you try to 'sell' yourself to the other person. It's as if I were to go into a used car lot to ask about this cute little car. The salesman goes on to tell me that its a lemon, I really do not want it and that I can find a better car somewhere else. Well that is no way to get business or sell that damned car.
You can be honest about yourself without trying to bludgeon and scare people away. The truth will do. Do not over-blow the bad but don't undersell the good. Everyday it is my goal to be true to myself and to share that with others.

I am not perfect. I am not beautiful. I am still learning, still growing up.

I have some stuff together but its all put together with gorilla glue and duct tape.

I would hate to think I put across this image of wanting everything to be perfect when all I want is for everything to be ok. Ok isn't the most exciting states of being but its better than being suicidal and better than turning a blind eye to the bad of the world.

I am not trying to rush into another relationship. I am not going to shun someone's company because I may actually like them.

I think that is my main problem, I can understand so much from opposing sides. Understanding where someone comes from keeps me from demanding what I really want. This is not just in romantic relationships. I tend to be a bit too accommodating sometimes. Not sure if that is something that will stop anytime soon.


The rest of the night went by with more drinks and laughter. Trying to hook Maria up with a certain someone. Hey, even if I am not getting any I am happy to hook others up. Just don't bring that sappy lovey dovey bullshit my way or I will projectile vomit over the offending couple. There is only so much I am willing to accommodate.
Back to Destin's to smoke and drink a little more. Went through Pancho's drive thru on the way back. Somehow the whole car ended up singing Kanye West's 'Golddigger'. Please people it is truly embarrassing when people discover that I can sing this shit word for word.

As soon as I get in the apartment I leap back onto the big chair and invite the kitty to sit with me. Everyone is dragging behind, still in the hallway. Destin leans over me, grabs my jacket and tells me that she really likes me. I'm not quit sure where the hell that came from. I think I told her that I know. Don't confuse me when I'm drunk.
I take the beer that I am offered. Decline the meaty pizza - I have decided not to tempt my stomach to empty its contents everywhere.

Music, talking, laughing. I have kicked off my shoes and am on the floor - the tailless cat keeps my company. Flirting going on the other side of the room. Gradually one by one people start to leave. A drunken me, tailless cat, and Destin. After a while, Destin, the perfect 'gentleman' herself, puts on her shoes to take me home. I wasn't expecting anything else.


happenings of sorts 2

I worked on downloading the columns to edit when I awoke. I fell asleep quickly and woke just as quick because I needed to be up in two hours. I needed to submit my columns to the paper and head to Dee Jay’s for ‘Coffee Talk’ before I was set for class. (Do not ask how I thought all of this was to happen.) When I woke there was a bit of snow on the ground, I needed to sweep snow off my car. I headed to the newspaper and my car started sliding back down the steep driveway because the school had not laid down salt the night before. I parked illegally to run in and submit the columns. Of course the network was down so I was unable to do so.

I move on to my next destination DeeJay’s house for ‘Coffee Talk’. ‘Coffee Talk’ is a weekly event where this group of lesbian friends gets together to have coffee and breakfast at each other’s home. Somehow, Dee Jay has been accepted into the lesbian enclave and therefore I get to tag along. Score! When I arrived I helped Jarrod in the kitchen before everyone started to arrive. Poor Jarrod had to go to work so he did not get a chance to stay for breakfast. After breakfast, everyone then goes to work on house projects, shop or see a movie together. Today the project was to go pull up the carpet at one of the girls father’s house. (I was not expected to join in on this. Thank goodness!) These girls were super-nice to me and made sure I was included in the conversations. I was invited to the next ‘Coffee Talk’. Double score!
At one point earlier in the day, I decided either I was not going to class or I was going in late. I opted not to go, helped DeeJay clean up, and got a chance to watch the L Word while I edited and submitted my columns.

We watched more tv and decided that we were hungry so we took a chance and tried to cook without Jarrod. We came out with some delicious pasta. Sleep was taking over my mind so I headed home with a to-go container of our chicken pasta mixture. I told DeeJay to call me later as we were both invited to Jarrod’s White Trash Birthday party. I got home and fell fast asleep. Set my alarm to wake me in five hours. DeeJay had called me at some point to make sure I was still going. I got dressed and headed out the door.
Once there I got to meet Jarrod’s friends and cousin. The one other person I knew there was Holly. She is a nice girl with an awesome haircut. I had fears before that he was trying to hook her up with Bianca but I think she is way too smart and perceptive to tackle that project. I hope we can become friends as she has plans to move to Kansas City soon and knows no one here.
Dinner consisted of chicken fries from Burger King accompanied by an array of dipping sauce packets, green eggs and spam, rotelle cheese dip, tater tot casserole, and coca-cola cake. We divided ourselves into three groups and played Cranium. For the first half of the game we were playing completely wrong. Upon further reading of the directions we finally figured it out but not before some groups were way behind and others way ahead – we then started everyone from a middle point and continued to play. Throughout the evening Bianca kept calling both DeeJay and Jarrod - it was a bit much after a while. Between smoke breaks, humdingers, and blind sketches we finally finished the game after what felt like two hours.

I decided to leave as I wanted to head by the paper and then find food and my bed at home. That was not to be as I received a phone call from my mad scientist friend, Tiff. She demanded that I join her at Fric n Frac due to being ignored by her girlfriend and trapped with a bunch of under-21 lesbians – most of who have slept with her girlfriend. This is never good if you have half a brain. So of course I went.
I got there and Tiff ran to me and hugged me tight. This isn’t too out of the ordinary for her but I was taken back because her girlfriend was there. I spotted Ashley across the table and decided to greet her. She looked up to see who poked her and jumped up to hug me. As she did Tiff shouts, “That is a kiss me look not a hug me look!” Ashley and I roll our eyes and talk a little bit. The server comes up to ask if I wanted to order. Got an beef/lamb gyro – one of the reasons I could never be a vegetarian.

I sit on the stools off to the side so Tiff can tell me her girl troubles. By this time, I have stolen Ashley’s phone and her glasses as well. I take photos of myself in the glasses . Have I mentioned that I look absolutely adorable in glasses? It’s true.
I cannot get her damned phone to set my picture as the caller id so I leave the photo on her phone. I snap a picture of her for my caller id. Talk to Tiff some more. She goes to talk with her girlfriend and I make Ashley sit down with me to update me on the changes she is making. It seems she has matured a lot lately. Decided to step back from falling in and out of love (yea right) and take care of her health and overall life. I think this is awesome and wish her all of the luck in the world. We tackle the gossip surrounding her. In between this Tiff is trying to hug up on me and stand between my legs, luckily her girlfriend starts paying attention to her, she leaves to pda with her. Ashley then tells me what her actual numbers are. Find out that I was definitely the first to get her off. I gave a cheer and she laughed. Sex is such tricky business in the world of lesbians.

More younger lesbian showed up. Make some small talk with Cassondra. At this point, I decided to escape just as everyone had decided to check out Ashley’s new stereo system. After I pay my bill there is a good 10 to 15 teenage lesbians standing around the parking lot with loud music playing. I was frightened as I had my ‘old moment’. I pretty much sped out of there.
Home for sleep. Had to get up early in order to start/finish my Boykin article. Worked through most of that when it came time for me to leave, I wanted to get a chai from the Planet before I headed to class. When I arrived Kathryn, Maria, Melissa, and Destin greeted me. Maria and Destin asked what happened to me on Friday night. I told them that we were at the Planet and elsewhere. Maria gives me a funny grin and laughs under her breath – she knows we will talk about it Monday morning. I get chided for my bad phone skills and having others make phone calls for me. I feel bad but not.

I sit down and immediately turn around to talk to Kathryn. The rest leave soon. We talk for a bit before I need to head off to class.
Class was so boring but really short. Our lab only took a couple of hours. I have time to kill and an article to finish so I roll back to the Planet. I decide to get some artisan tea and grab a pack of smokes – writing is so much easier with these tools at hand. The gay men and Britney Spears had invaded the coffeehouse but I still got the article finished.
Headed back to the paper with pizza and soda for our workshop and meeting.

Workshop and meeting over I have been sitting here writing. It has been a happy but hectic week. I am sure this week will be less hectic but I still need to work on modifying my schedule. I need to keep a better balance between social and work so I don’t fall into these over-social patterns. I wish I didn’t work so much but if I didn’t I wouldn’t get to go on the trips I have planned for this year. I want my weekends back, dammit!

happenings of sorts 1

I have a little bit of downtime as I am avoiding going to the Planet for the third time today and have nothing to do at the newspaper at this moment.

This has been quite the week, mostly on a social level.
Monday and Tuesday were filled with classes and getting ready for the rest of the week.

Wednesday was Pin-Up Grrrls: Feminism, Sexuality, Popular Culture with local feminist art historian Dr. Maria Elena Buszek. I was drafted into the Women’s Center Event Army. For most of the day I hung out in the Women’s Center and helped make buttons for the Sex Fair. I got to handle food shopping with Maria and technical nonsense for the actual event. If the Women’s Center did not offer me so many cigarettes, food, and entertainment, I would have to start charging for my services. Technical difficulties and overcrowding had us running around manic. Jacob, Destin, and Elyse showed up to the event. I suggested that we go to the Fetish Ball that Maria and I were planning to go attend. They agreed (this will be something to remember for later).
Awesome lecture. At one point, I was the only black person in the room, which is quite startling when Elena started talking about Ebony magazine – that is another entry within itself.

That day I also sorta lamely asked a girl out – there is a blog somewhere that details how lame but I am not inclined to provide a link. Just know that she agreed, which I would not find out til Thursday.

Yes, we have cell phones and each other’s numbers but we are also lesbians. Somehow, that explains it all – just ask my roommate, Nick.
After the event, I helped clean up a bit and went home to try to pass out because the next day would be just as hectic.
Classes and trying to get my interview together took up most of the morning. Still no word about the damned interview so I figured Boykin’s shitty personal assistant was blowing me off. Maria suggested we go out to Independence Center to shop at Torrid for outfits for Friday’s Fetish Ball – I got nothing to wear but I did get some blue and red acrylic talons.

Went home to eat a bit and sleep a bit as well, there were plans to go out after Boykin. Boykin was awesome and touched on a bunch of subjects that I was very happy to hear. He lingered a bit too long on Christianity but as a black man raised in a religious household that is to be expected. Black homosexuals and the black church is often a touchy subject. The question and answer session was mortifying as one of my friends got up to ask him some questions. Nice girl but the phrase, “I licked a vergina,” was repeated multiple times.
I got Boykin to sign a copy of his book, One More River to Cross: Black & Gay in America, he wished me good luck with D.C plans.
Afterwards Maria, Tasha, and I went to McCoys for drinks and bruschetta. Dee Jay joined us, then Jarrod. We decided to head to Re: Verse for half-price Mojito night (my new favorite drink). Tasha decided not to join us. Re: Verse has awesome Mojitos and there was much conversation to be had. We talked about everything from urban development tax credits to my sex life and current Kansas City lesbian nonsense (the names/details have been left out to protect the innocent and not-so innocent).
Went over to the DJ to talk about his set and compliment him on the set he did on my birthday. Nice mini conversation with him, he seemed very happy for the momentary company and appreciation. When we left he grabbed me to give me this mix cd he made earlier in the day, on it he wrote his website and name. I talked with DeeJay and Jarrod after Maria got in her car to leave. It was so cold but there was more that I needed to say about the women in my life. I got home at a horrible hour and needed to wake up in time for work.

Thursday I woke a bit late but managed to get to work on time. There was much to actually get done today. Lots of installing of software and fixing profiles and whatnot (my job at the lab is pretty boring most of the time).
In between installing software, I was actually able to check my email and whatnot. Included in one was an invitation to the Nelson with a very interesting woman (the same that I had asked out earlier in the week.). I, of course, said yes. Somehow I was going to manage to cram in Fetish Ball shopping, dressing, Fetish Ball attending, a nap, a date, and newspaper editing (let’s just say that last part didn’t get done until later the next day).
Jam packed I asked to leave a half-hour early. Stopped to talk to Maria briefly before the mad dash to get everything done. Shopping with Dee Jay at Target, also ran by Lane Bryant for long-line bras and TJ Maxx for cute underwear (the dress I planned to wear was super-short.). We took way to long at Target grabbing up super clearance nonsense. DeeJay got so much that we knew not even half of it would fit in my little Civic. I had to take him home to his car and he went back alone to get all of his stuff. I needed to head out so I could head by Pricilla’s for fishnets and a garter belt. I was able to get in a tiny nap in before I needed to head out to meet her at the Nelson. (Must think of a nickname or something.) We met at six for New Perspectives on Art: a World of Stories. Interesting stories but after the second story we inconspicuously set down our safari stools to find her friend Jess and decided to go out to eat as Electromediascope had already started.

She took me to this Thai food restaurant. I had these chicken thai pad noodles, it was so big I couldn’t eat it all. There was much discussion throughout dinner and we camped there for at least a good hour after we were finished. At one point she asked me how did I know that I would not get back with my ex. I was not expecting this answer but I’m not sure if the answer was understandable. Basically I know because I have decided to mentally move on. If I thought that I would like to get back with her then I would not break all contact with her; in my mind and heart, it is over. Now I hate to say ‘never’ but I do not think us every getting back together is in the cards.
I also got a call from Ashley to come join her and her friend Cassondra at Fric n Frac for pool – I declined. Not so surprisingly, we headed to the Planet afterwards.

[I guess I must explain how I met this girl. I had been checking her out at the Planet, I didn’t go up to her before because she had people surrounding her. She then found my profile on MySpace and added me. I accepted her invitation and sent her a message promising to introduce myself in person. I think that was a couple of weeks ago. Throughout these two weeks, we email back and forth. We talk every time we see each other - not exactly short conversations either.]

I got phone calls from DeeJay about not being able to get a hold of Maria. I told Jacob that I still had not heard anything either. We still had plans for the Fetish Ball. I was not too concerned because I was enjoying her company. We stayed until closing.
This is where the night gets a bit strange as far as me remembering in a linear fashion. She showed me the house she was originally looking to buy, I then asked to see the house she did buy. Her house is huge with this awesome triangle-like window in the back. We then head to my apartment, we talk in the car. I get concerned about her using her gas to idle so I invite her up. She declines citing the time as a factor. This was around 1 am. I had forgotten about the voicemail icon that appeared on my phone – I assumed it was my mom since she had called me and I had ignored it.

We continued to talk more. She then asked if I had ever visited the Federal Courthouse (where she works in the library). [I know you are probably reading this, let me know if I need to cut this out.]
Around 1.30 we end up at the Courthouse, where the cleaning crew is now leaving. She gives me a tour. We enter the law library and she shows me the view over the entire city. From this giant window, we can see the lights of Kansas City, KS, downtown Kansas City, and North Kansas City. Absolutely gorgeous view. The lights are dazzling. If only I had my camera. If there is one thing people should know about me is I love night city views and bright shiny lights. After we leave the library, she shows me the bell room. Then to the main entrance where we they have these giant statues in the entryway – the guardians of justice or something. The building is entirely empty and the elevators talk to you.

We then headed back to my apartment where we talked until 4.30 in the morning. At one point it started snowing. We talked about everything from racism and black culture to DNA; we also talked about exes, childhood and other assorted nonsense. It was quite the night and I did not even get to the Fetish Ball.

To be continued…