i felt the itch to run out of my house. to go where i have not a clue. i drove. thought maybe i was hungry but the food didn't taste the same. heavy feeling of being alone. could not think of anyone to call or what i would say if i reached someone. called myself instead with a message of loneliness and confusion. i was unfazed. i found one of the highest places in kansas city. sat there wishing i could shake out of this blankness. i wanted company but not the shiny happy kind you would find at a bar - although i thought vaguely of it each time i passed someplace. none truly seemed welcoming or perhaps i was the unwelcoming one. i drove here and there, running stop lights and stop signs and driving on the wrong side of the road. i knew i shouldnt be on the streets but i didnt know what to do or really how to get home. every instinct told me to stay away. thought failed me and i stared at the passing road blankly. if i were pulled over i do not think words would have come from my lips.

alone. i know.