In the act of working through and figuring out exactly how I want my life to go.
Talking with others about what's going on seems to help a bit. Took myself to a film which was helpful as well.
Today I turned off my phone which helped me to focus on myself more. 'Its just a phone' is what I was told last night. But its not; it is so much more. Its a potential connection to others whether online or off. I can do everything from texting to calling to emailing (hell I can even check myspace sometimes.). It is absolutely ridiculous. In all the craziness that was/is February I forgot to disconnect for myself.
Dealing with possibilities, endings, and past regrets. The complex has grown.
Yes, yes. I am going to harp on this. I am going to delve. I am seen as an intense person. Yes, intense, intimidating.
I guess this can be both a good and bad. I am a serious person. Too serious I would say most days. Even my fun is serious. I guess for many people that can be too much. I understand that.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to have fun, to have a good time. That doesn't mean I want to rush into a relationship. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be happy with just today. I was told that I shouldn't change me.
My spirit's crush factor seems to be getting around. I get crushes so easily. Gender, sexuality be damned. My being enamored with someone crosses all kinds of boundaries and knows no limits. I gave up long ago trying to understand it or fix it - it just is. It is me.
Yesterday I got a reading from Quan Tracy Cherry. The subject of how deeply I feel things came up. Staying in the past holds me back. My mother came up in the reading twice. He told me to continue on my path - do not allow her or myself to stop me. The main card he pulled was the Ace of Cups. In his deck the Ace of Cups is represented by a figure diving into water. In the water a swan lies in wait - that swan is to represent myself. The work that I have started will manifest in coming into my own power within the next couple of years. The work is justified - I didn't need a reading to figure that out but it is good to have validation.
For the rest he told me to follow my instinct to head out there - regardless of school.
I had a reading done by another reader. Much of the same he told me to find my anchor. To make sure I had people in place when I arrived. He even has some advice for the places that I was looking at. Here is not where I belong. I don't think you need to be a psychic to read that.
Although I was not a main organizer the Sex Fair had taken a lot of space in the last two weeks. From bar to bar, club to club. Sending out reminders, passing out fliers and condoms. Threats from the administration to halt the consent tent or be shut down. We complied but the aftereffects of the Sex Fair have yet to fully form. Hopefully it turns out ok but I need to learn more before I talk about it. Otherwise the fair was a success. Many people showed up and everything came out really well. We were even on the 10 o' clock news - live broadcasts and all.
I needed to disconnect for most of the day but that did not stop me from having coffee with Destin. Coffee without quotations. Good conversation. Got more explanations. Learned some things that I don't know if I needed to know but its all good. Reminded me of the times when I would come by her office and an hour or two would pass by without me noticing (I am sure my boss noticed.).
I think we are good now. No need to cut bitches. I kid, I kid.
That tree I was barking up well I put my foot in my mouth and I think I bit off a toe.
Mentioned something - out of what I thought was funny - and well it did not go over too well. I thought it was nothing to get upset about but I was wrong - so very wrong.
"You shouldn't have told me that." Yep.
I pretty much got kicked out after that. I am leaving things to cool off for today with the hopes of salvaging a friendship.
In some ways I think I may have intended to wound because she told me some things that did not sit too well with me. I was blind-sided and I just started talking - again do not confuse me, people. It is still no excuse but it is what it is. I will apologize and move forward.
I need to keep myself from dwelling. Think through, process, move on. Learn the lesson you need to learn and move forward with that knowledge.