Ratty Kisses

Huxley Beauregarde and Bingham Kingsley.

Bingham died earlier today. I cried in the middle of the sidewalk. I wasn't sure what to do, say. I wished I had more time to spend with her before I left. That last week I was home we rolled up and napped in the bedroom for a couple of hours, Huxley running around refusing to lay still. I remember bringing her home in that little blue cage with the yellow wheel. Noisy mustard swirls as she ran in circles throughout the night. I felt better knowing she was around. I would get up to check on her throughout the night. I was afraid to pick her up a lot, I wasn't sure what rats liked. She liked to be rubbed behind her ears and hide in my cleavage. Running, climbing, burrowing between my skin and shirt. I would pull my head in to witness her joy.
Before Bingham I didn't know that rats gave kisses. Perhaps she did it to groom or for the lingering taste of lunch but her little tongue would just have at ears, fingers, cheeks. She was so sweet, I was at school a lot during the day. Everything that I read said that rats like to live in pairs, I did not want her to be lonely. So I got Huxley. They fought; Bingham being mean to Huxley, Huxley being mean to Bingham. They grew to be good cage mates, guarding each other from poking dog snouts. When Bingham got sick and swollen unable to move to the food, I witnessed Huxley fetching her some food. Huxley would also help to keep her clean when she was sick.
I remember the first time she was sick. Her legs had swollen, her eyes with red tears. I cried, speeding us to the animal hospital in North Kansas City. I paid them nearly $100 to see her and to give us anti-swelling medication. This would not be the first time I had to do this. Although I formed a relationship with my local vet so I wouldn't have to do any last minute hospital visits. At one point I paid to have the vet to perform a biopsy on a growth she had under her chin and to drain her swelling. The biopsy came back ok, the doctor said that she had an infection deep in her bones. We kept watch over her, the swelling would go down with medication, come back a few months later, go down with medication, so on and so forth. Even when sick she was always ready to curl up in a pants leg, give you some kisses, eat some yogurt treats. Bingham was a chubby little rat.
The last full week I was home, I was bathing the rats and discovered a swelling on Bingham's belly that her fur had hid. Sending pics to the doc he said that we needed to operate, it was a tumor. The price was more than I could afford, it would cost about the same as for a cat or small dog. "They are considered exotic." There are only two doctors in the area who could operate. "It will probably come back in less than a month." I wanted to see what we could work out. "You can't keep doing this, you have to let her go." She died in her sleep, sometime after Billy gave them breakfast.
The funeral was tonight as I sat sleepily in the backseat from our Long Beach trip. I only wished that I could be back home in Kansas City, saying goodbye to Bingham. Instead of a Viking funeral Billy (with Dee Jay's help) opted for a more Tibetan funeral pyre, eventually needing to scatter ashes and burying the rest. I appreciate the care that went into this.

Writing helps me to feel better but I will still cry tonight. She was one of the most darling pets and a joy to have around. I love you, Bingham Kingsley. Goodbye.

Lately I Love.

Here it is Christmas morning, early morning. My roommate is out of the country and I am sharing my home with Billy and my little brother. I am happy.

I am typing this from her PowerBook as mine is sitting there waiting for me to digitally pry it open, releasing the imperfect pearls of my life. Unrefined pearls made of sorrow, giddy discovery, happy moments, lazy afternoons, frustrated ramblings. There is no Kino, no village to pine for these pearl’s wealth; they are only worth something to my own life.

Something, or someone, else of worth has entered my life. This experience is progressing at an interesting charge. One decision among many, driving out to Lawrence at the last minute, a date that I was unsure that it actually was.

Returning to see where she sleeps now, to meet the guardian pup, her new apartment.

There were hours of dancing, not literal dancing mind you, the dancing of those studying, deciphering the other’s intentions. We filled that time up with Scrabble, coffee, and conversation.

I was unsure of the next move, there was waiting. Fetch with the pup led us to the bedroom and propelled us forward. Not so fast, as I hesitated to make the next move, yet fingers, lips touched.

Overhead lights offer a blinding distraction from intimate conversations, all she had to replace that intrusion were tea lights lined across the sole windowsill. Discussion of what we wanted sexually, movement to action.

Sex with someone new is always a bit dizzying. Sex with Billy transforms moments, with pleasure, gender shifts as well.

The morning sun touched the burnt out tea lights, signaling that our two hours of sleep over, barely allowing my eyes respite. Realizing the time, wishing I had more, I called ahead to give warning to my co-organizers. “I will more than likely be late. Yes, I am still in Lawrence. I so owe you two.” I hung up the phone, their giggles still in my ears matching the ones at the base of my throat.

Morning grins, kisses, nervous stomach butterflies signaling hunger and a giddy excitement. All over my body, I could still feel her hands caressing, her lips kissing.

The city, the conference lies in wait. Billy blew me a kiss as we got into our cars; I followed her speed down 70. We would see each other again in a few hours.

Throughout the conference, we kept close to one another, hands clasped together under tables and behind corners kissing. My eyes darting nervously, words stammering, stuttering, betraying how much I like her. As soon as she would leave my sight, I would take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let out a high-pitched noise of elation.

November brought us, Thanksgiving, which we spent together at her place. I was happy there, cuddling with her, the pup, and the ratties.

Coming back to Kansas City did not feel the same; it still does not.

hate and being afraid

I hate to think that I was someone's 3 1/2 year sabbatical. I am afraid it is what it is.
There is much that I was afraid to see. I am now afraid of being crushed again - crushed so far beyond recognition. I have a hard time giving my heart away, so reluctant. Now I am afraid that reluctance has multiplied.
I have always wondered what is the point of starting a relationship if you do not feel as if you will fall in love. Still I realize just how fleeting and not enough love is. I never plan to fall or to love. I love people, I care for people. Falling in love does not come easy and usually sneaks up on me in the middle of the night. I know I have been in love with only two people.
One of my best friends from high school, innocent and lovely. Our connection has always been strong and continues to be so. I am sure we have known one another in past lives.
The second was all-consuming; passion and fire. The love came over me so quietly, so stealth-like. I was only looking for a good time, for sex. As she was. Before she knew it I could feel the words forming on her breath. I did not want it. I told her, "Not another peep" as we laid together sweaty, intertwined.
Until I fell as well. I became hers soon afterward.
She left her life in Olathe, her ex-boyfriend, her cats (ok she had partial custody). Moved into a studio apartment downtown but resided in my bedroom. We would make love until the sun dawned through my windows. Eventually we decided that since we practically lived together we should actually live together.
The pendulum of our relationship swung back and forth. Passion, violence, pain, joy, innocence, knowing. In love.

She has moved back into her old life. Olathe. Ex-boyfriend. Cats. Making me doubt everything. It's not as if I didn't doubt before, I did. She just makes it look so easy. 3 1/2 years and they don't seem to skip a beat. He acts as if he likes being used, being taken advantage of. True I let her do much of it to me but I know she has put him through a lot more. (He would drive her to my house so we could fuck and then pick her up in the morning so she could go to work.) I knew that if things got rough between us he would be the one she would run to because he takes all that she dishes out.
Imagine taking your girlfriend back after her 3 1/2 year sabbatical with another woman. I cannot.


Just not sure where that leaves me. And should it really leave me anywhere? I have picked up my life and continue to move forward. But looking back and figure out the past helps me to dismantle and put back the pieces of these past years, to put myself back together.

beep beep goes the processor

Processing. Processing.
In the act of working through and figuring out exactly how I want my life to go.
Talking with others about what's going on seems to help a bit. Took myself to a film which was helpful as well.
Today I turned off my phone which helped me to focus on myself more. 'Its just a phone' is what I was told last night. But its not; it is so much more. Its a potential connection to others whether online or off. I can do everything from texting to calling to emailing (hell I can even check myspace sometimes.). It is absolutely ridiculous. In all the craziness that was/is February I forgot to disconnect for myself.


Dealing with possibilities, endings, and past regrets. The complex has grown.
Yes, yes. I am going to harp on this. I am going to delve. I am seen as an intense person. Yes, intense, intimidating.
I guess this can be both a good and bad. I am a serious person. Too serious I would say most days. Even my fun is serious. I guess for many people that can be too much. I understand that.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to have fun, to have a good time. That doesn't mean I want to rush into a relationship. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be happy with just today. I was told that I shouldn't change me.


--
My spirit's crush factor seems to be getting around. I get crushes so easily. Gender, sexuality be damned. My being enamored with someone crosses all kinds of boundaries and knows no limits. I gave up long ago trying to understand it or fix it - it just is. It is me.
--


Yesterday I got a reading from Quan Tracy Cherry. The subject of how deeply I feel things came up. Staying in the past holds me back. My mother came up in the reading twice. He told me to continue on my path - do not allow her or myself to stop me. The main card he pulled was the Ace of Cups. In his deck the Ace of Cups is represented by a figure diving into water. In the water a swan lies in wait - that swan is to represent myself. The work that I have started will manifest in coming into my own power within the next couple of years. The work is justified - I didn't need a reading to figure that out but it is good to have validation.
For the rest he told me to follow my instinct to head out there - regardless of school.
I had a reading done by another reader. Much of the same he told me to find my anchor. To make sure I had people in place when I arrived. He even has some advice for the places that I was looking at. Here is not where I belong. I don't think you need to be a psychic to read that.


Although I was not a main organizer the Sex Fair had taken a lot of space in the last two weeks. From bar to bar, club to club. Sending out reminders, passing out fliers and condoms. Threats from the administration to halt the consent tent or be shut down. We complied but the aftereffects of the Sex Fair have yet to fully form. Hopefully it turns out ok but I need to learn more before I talk about it. Otherwise the fair was a success. Many people showed up and everything came out really well. We were even on the 10 o' clock news - live broadcasts and all.


I needed to disconnect for most of the day but that did not stop me from having coffee with Destin. Coffee without quotations. Good conversation. Got more explanations. Learned some things that I don't know if I needed to know but its all good. Reminded me of the times when I would come by her office and an hour or two would pass by without me noticing (I am sure my boss noticed.).
I think we are good now. No need to cut bitches. I kid, I kid.


That tree I was barking up well I put my foot in my mouth and I think I bit off a toe.
Mentioned something - out of what I thought was funny - and well it did not go over too well. I thought it was nothing to get upset about but I was wrong - so very wrong.
"You shouldn't have told me that." Yep.
I pretty much got kicked out after that. I am leaving things to cool off for today with the hopes of salvaging a friendship.
In some ways I think I may have intended to wound because she told me some things that did not sit too well with me. I was blind-sided and I just started talking - again do not confuse me, people. It is still no excuse but it is what it is. I will apologize and move forward.


I need to keep myself from dwelling. Think through, process, move on. Learn the lesson you need to learn and move forward with that knowledge.

days go by

Many who know me in real life know that I am usually the sober responsible one - the designated driver if you will. Its been a strange two days. I left her a note telling her that I was gone for good. I truly meant it.


Letters were found bearing the name of another girl, my replacement. Or so it would seem. Feelings transposed onto others. Cancelled picnics. But I called for the break. That didn't mean I wanted to be lied to. I was done.


I spent that night anxious for her to find the letter. I could barely sleep and I felt so sick. Weeping myself to sleep. Waking up anxious and extra early. I needed the sleep but could not fall back into it. I spent my morning walking around in a daze. Waiting.


She called me once she found the note. She begged me to understand, to take her back, to love her. The beast was released from my chest and I let her have it all. Luckily I was in the attic office far from the foot traffic of students. I bawled and screamed. Pain that was held in because I called for the break. Understanding but feeling so overlooked, ignored. Talk. Talk. Talk. Attempting to work, her attempting to calm my heart and to reassure. I told her to fuck off.


Spent the day hungry but not wanting to eat. The desire had left me. I drove around searching for food that could go down with my pain. The salad and bread that I usually enjoy felt thin and without flavor. Yet I knew my body needed to eat so I ate. Everyone could feel the sorrow, the pain flowing from my chest. Prying yet unable to loosen the information.


She arrived on a burst of salsa, wishing to whisk me away to western Kansas to chase the pheonix. The paper that I intended to write lay blank. I could not write, only stare.
She tearfully hugged me and convinced me to leave the cocoon of my office so we could talk.


Drive, drive, drive. Past Olathe, past Eudora, past Lawrence, past Topeka. Popping the X that we had bought the night before. Stopping at this antiquated gas station; city folk we could barely figure out the pump. 14.70 on the dot. Attempting to find Tuttle Lake. Finding farms and dusty roads instead and finally the sunset. Colors meshing, sharing the pain, the love, the anger. Hours pass, rolling. Fears aired as well as the truth. Waves crashing into me as I sat happily stunned. Clouds that we wished to live on, to escape the misunderstandings and hurt, the real world.


Intense.


Cops pulled behind us, wondering what two black girls from Kansas City were doing out in the small town so far from home. A break from the grind of school and work. A day trip to see the sunset. They checked and checked everything they could, asking questions matching our stories to our records. Le sigh. After a forever of moments they returned and told us that the sun was to set soon and that we should be on our way thereafter. Must remain polite, we did. They left us to our sunset. Deciding that I should drive back we switched seats and I grabbed my iPod from the trunk to listen over the radio.


Once on the hi-way to head back a cop was sitting on the side of the road and next thing you know were being pulled over again. Driving the speed limit never felt so good. I was told that my frame was blocking my license plate. (*cough*bullshit*cough*) Guess we were being watched earlier as I grabbed my iPod so they requested to search my trunk. Well I mostly live out of my car so backpacks, boxes, and sweaters line the inside, nothing to hide. He did a half assed search knowing he had no reason to do so. We could go. Have a nice day.


Lame.


Driving back home we travel different ways, finding new roads, unpeeling the layers of our relationship. Finding new ways home and new understandings of old problems. Missed our normal way home but found another through Tonganoxie, Bonner Springs, Kansas City Kansas. Met up with a magic man who fed us more candy. Dropped by the office to get her keys so we could nest at her home.


Dancing, cuddling, crying, remembering. Everything aired. Nearly three years. Talking until the dawn, music washing over the house, kitties looking in wonder. Realized that we would not be going to work or school. We spent the morning loving and she let go of the control and I felt like a goddess. Giving and taking pleasure. Beating new records so easily.


Waking in the afternoon determined to run to the bank and finish my paper. Office hours forgotten, meetings cancelled. I churned it out with her by my side, critiquing, suggesting. Knowing that we would spend that night the same as before. The grind calls and we wanted no distraction left for the rest of the semester.


Bewitched.


So much discussion. Quick words sliding off our tongues, an exciting crescendo. Dancing to wonderful ballads and compositions. Apologies for past actions and inactions. Feeding each others desire to be more. Yet sleep lulled me as we cuddled in the bed together with all of the animals. Words of love still poised on our lips as we awake to find the other still there.


The morning spent trying to avoid the world that drags on. Deciphering our merged auras. Happy tears of the morning jazz. The rush of responsibility pulling us out of the bed. The world waiting, we rejoin.