The height of my epiphany came over me like a silent fart from an old dog. That great game of musical chairs has been played and I am the one left standing. I think I got pushed heading for that chair and then the other chair was pulled out from underneath me.
Next Missy Koonce and friends broke into a horrible sing-along rendition of Rent's 'Seasons of Love'. It was at that point that I wished I were anywhere but on this planet. I think my heart broke a little more; perhaps the duct tape and gorilla glue are losing their grip.
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
12.3.06
5.3.06
hate and being afraid
I hate to think that I was someone's 3 1/2 year sabbatical. I am afraid it is what it is.
There is much that I was afraid to see. I am now afraid of being crushed again - crushed so far beyond recognition. I have a hard time giving my heart away, so reluctant. Now I am afraid that reluctance has multiplied.
I have always wondered what is the point of starting a relationship if you do not feel as if you will fall in love. Still I realize just how fleeting and not enough love is. I never plan to fall or to love. I love people, I care for people. Falling in love does not come easy and usually sneaks up on me in the middle of the night. I know I have been in love with only two people.
One of my best friends from high school, innocent and lovely. Our connection has always been strong and continues to be so. I am sure we have known one another in past lives.
The second was all-consuming; passion and fire. The love came over me so quietly, so stealth-like. I was only looking for a good time, for sex. As she was. Before she knew it I could feel the words forming on her breath. I did not want it. I told her, "Not another peep" as we laid together sweaty, intertwined.
Until I fell as well. I became hers soon afterward.
She left her life in Olathe, her ex-boyfriend, her cats (ok she had partial custody). Moved into a studio apartment downtown but resided in my bedroom. We would make love until the sun dawned through my windows. Eventually we decided that since we practically lived together we should actually live together.
The pendulum of our relationship swung back and forth. Passion, violence, pain, joy, innocence, knowing. In love.
She has moved back into her old life. Olathe. Ex-boyfriend. Cats. Making me doubt everything. It's not as if I didn't doubt before, I did. She just makes it look so easy. 3 1/2 years and they don't seem to skip a beat. He acts as if he likes being used, being taken advantage of. True I let her do much of it to me but I know she has put him through a lot more. (He would drive her to my house so we could fuck and then pick her up in the morning so she could go to work.) I knew that if things got rough between us he would be the one she would run to because he takes all that she dishes out.
Imagine taking your girlfriend back after her 3 1/2 year sabbatical with another woman. I cannot.
Just not sure where that leaves me. And should it really leave me anywhere? I have picked up my life and continue to move forward. But looking back and figure out the past helps me to dismantle and put back the pieces of these past years, to put myself back together.
There is much that I was afraid to see. I am now afraid of being crushed again - crushed so far beyond recognition. I have a hard time giving my heart away, so reluctant. Now I am afraid that reluctance has multiplied.
I have always wondered what is the point of starting a relationship if you do not feel as if you will fall in love. Still I realize just how fleeting and not enough love is. I never plan to fall or to love. I love people, I care for people. Falling in love does not come easy and usually sneaks up on me in the middle of the night. I know I have been in love with only two people.
One of my best friends from high school, innocent and lovely. Our connection has always been strong and continues to be so. I am sure we have known one another in past lives.
The second was all-consuming; passion and fire. The love came over me so quietly, so stealth-like. I was only looking for a good time, for sex. As she was. Before she knew it I could feel the words forming on her breath. I did not want it. I told her, "Not another peep" as we laid together sweaty, intertwined.
Until I fell as well. I became hers soon afterward.
She left her life in Olathe, her ex-boyfriend, her cats (ok she had partial custody). Moved into a studio apartment downtown but resided in my bedroom. We would make love until the sun dawned through my windows. Eventually we decided that since we practically lived together we should actually live together.
The pendulum of our relationship swung back and forth. Passion, violence, pain, joy, innocence, knowing. In love.
She has moved back into her old life. Olathe. Ex-boyfriend. Cats. Making me doubt everything. It's not as if I didn't doubt before, I did. She just makes it look so easy. 3 1/2 years and they don't seem to skip a beat. He acts as if he likes being used, being taken advantage of. True I let her do much of it to me but I know she has put him through a lot more. (He would drive her to my house so we could fuck and then pick her up in the morning so she could go to work.) I knew that if things got rough between us he would be the one she would run to because he takes all that she dishes out.
Imagine taking your girlfriend back after her 3 1/2 year sabbatical with another woman. I cannot.
Just not sure where that leaves me. And should it really leave me anywhere? I have picked up my life and continue to move forward. But looking back and figure out the past helps me to dismantle and put back the pieces of these past years, to put myself back together.
31.3.05
days go by
Many who know me in real life know that I am usually the sober responsible one - the designated driver if you will. Its been a strange two days. I left her a note telling her that I was gone for good. I truly meant it.
Letters were found bearing the name of another girl, my replacement. Or so it would seem. Feelings transposed onto others. Cancelled picnics. But I called for the break. That didn't mean I wanted to be lied to. I was done.
I spent that night anxious for her to find the letter. I could barely sleep and I felt so sick. Weeping myself to sleep. Waking up anxious and extra early. I needed the sleep but could not fall back into it. I spent my morning walking around in a daze. Waiting.
She called me once she found the note. She begged me to understand, to take her back, to love her. The beast was released from my chest and I let her have it all. Luckily I was in the attic office far from the foot traffic of students. I bawled and screamed. Pain that was held in because I called for the break. Understanding but feeling so overlooked, ignored. Talk. Talk. Talk. Attempting to work, her attempting to calm my heart and to reassure. I told her to fuck off.
Spent the day hungry but not wanting to eat. The desire had left me. I drove around searching for food that could go down with my pain. The salad and bread that I usually enjoy felt thin and without flavor. Yet I knew my body needed to eat so I ate. Everyone could feel the sorrow, the pain flowing from my chest. Prying yet unable to loosen the information.
She arrived on a burst of salsa, wishing to whisk me away to western Kansas to chase the pheonix. The paper that I intended to write lay blank. I could not write, only stare.
She tearfully hugged me and convinced me to leave the cocoon of my office so we could talk.
Drive, drive, drive. Past Olathe, past Eudora, past Lawrence, past Topeka. Popping the X that we had bought the night before. Stopping at this antiquated gas station; city folk we could barely figure out the pump. 14.70 on the dot. Attempting to find Tuttle Lake. Finding farms and dusty roads instead and finally the sunset. Colors meshing, sharing the pain, the love, the anger. Hours pass, rolling. Fears aired as well as the truth. Waves crashing into me as I sat happily stunned. Clouds that we wished to live on, to escape the misunderstandings and hurt, the real world.
Intense.
Cops pulled behind us, wondering what two black girls from Kansas City were doing out in the small town so far from home. A break from the grind of school and work. A day trip to see the sunset. They checked and checked everything they could, asking questions matching our stories to our records. Le sigh. After a forever of moments they returned and told us that the sun was to set soon and that we should be on our way thereafter. Must remain polite, we did. They left us to our sunset. Deciding that I should drive back we switched seats and I grabbed my iPod from the trunk to listen over the radio.
Once on the hi-way to head back a cop was sitting on the side of the road and next thing you know were being pulled over again. Driving the speed limit never felt so good. I was told that my frame was blocking my license plate. (*cough*bullshit*cough*) Guess we were being watched earlier as I grabbed my iPod so they requested to search my trunk. Well I mostly live out of my car so backpacks, boxes, and sweaters line the inside, nothing to hide. He did a half assed search knowing he had no reason to do so. We could go. Have a nice day.
Lame.
Driving back home we travel different ways, finding new roads, unpeeling the layers of our relationship. Finding new ways home and new understandings of old problems. Missed our normal way home but found another through Tonganoxie, Bonner Springs, Kansas City Kansas. Met up with a magic man who fed us more candy. Dropped by the office to get her keys so we could nest at her home.
Dancing, cuddling, crying, remembering. Everything aired. Nearly three years. Talking until the dawn, music washing over the house, kitties looking in wonder. Realized that we would not be going to work or school. We spent the morning loving and she let go of the control and I felt like a goddess. Giving and taking pleasure. Beating new records so easily.
Waking in the afternoon determined to run to the bank and finish my paper. Office hours forgotten, meetings cancelled. I churned it out with her by my side, critiquing, suggesting. Knowing that we would spend that night the same as before. The grind calls and we wanted no distraction left for the rest of the semester.
Bewitched.
So much discussion. Quick words sliding off our tongues, an exciting crescendo. Dancing to wonderful ballads and compositions. Apologies for past actions and inactions. Feeding each others desire to be more. Yet sleep lulled me as we cuddled in the bed together with all of the animals. Words of love still poised on our lips as we awake to find the other still there.
The morning spent trying to avoid the world that drags on. Deciphering our merged auras. Happy tears of the morning jazz. The rush of responsibility pulling us out of the bed. The world waiting, we rejoin.
Letters were found bearing the name of another girl, my replacement. Or so it would seem. Feelings transposed onto others. Cancelled picnics. But I called for the break. That didn't mean I wanted to be lied to. I was done.
I spent that night anxious for her to find the letter. I could barely sleep and I felt so sick. Weeping myself to sleep. Waking up anxious and extra early. I needed the sleep but could not fall back into it. I spent my morning walking around in a daze. Waiting.
She called me once she found the note. She begged me to understand, to take her back, to love her. The beast was released from my chest and I let her have it all. Luckily I was in the attic office far from the foot traffic of students. I bawled and screamed. Pain that was held in because I called for the break. Understanding but feeling so overlooked, ignored. Talk. Talk. Talk. Attempting to work, her attempting to calm my heart and to reassure. I told her to fuck off.
Spent the day hungry but not wanting to eat. The desire had left me. I drove around searching for food that could go down with my pain. The salad and bread that I usually enjoy felt thin and without flavor. Yet I knew my body needed to eat so I ate. Everyone could feel the sorrow, the pain flowing from my chest. Prying yet unable to loosen the information.
She arrived on a burst of salsa, wishing to whisk me away to western Kansas to chase the pheonix. The paper that I intended to write lay blank. I could not write, only stare.
She tearfully hugged me and convinced me to leave the cocoon of my office so we could talk.
Drive, drive, drive. Past Olathe, past Eudora, past Lawrence, past Topeka. Popping the X that we had bought the night before. Stopping at this antiquated gas station; city folk we could barely figure out the pump. 14.70 on the dot. Attempting to find Tuttle Lake. Finding farms and dusty roads instead and finally the sunset. Colors meshing, sharing the pain, the love, the anger. Hours pass, rolling. Fears aired as well as the truth. Waves crashing into me as I sat happily stunned. Clouds that we wished to live on, to escape the misunderstandings and hurt, the real world.
Intense.
Cops pulled behind us, wondering what two black girls from Kansas City were doing out in the small town so far from home. A break from the grind of school and work. A day trip to see the sunset. They checked and checked everything they could, asking questions matching our stories to our records. Le sigh. After a forever of moments they returned and told us that the sun was to set soon and that we should be on our way thereafter. Must remain polite, we did. They left us to our sunset. Deciding that I should drive back we switched seats and I grabbed my iPod from the trunk to listen over the radio.
Once on the hi-way to head back a cop was sitting on the side of the road and next thing you know were being pulled over again. Driving the speed limit never felt so good. I was told that my frame was blocking my license plate. (*cough*bullshit*cough*) Guess we were being watched earlier as I grabbed my iPod so they requested to search my trunk. Well I mostly live out of my car so backpacks, boxes, and sweaters line the inside, nothing to hide. He did a half assed search knowing he had no reason to do so. We could go. Have a nice day.
Lame.
Driving back home we travel different ways, finding new roads, unpeeling the layers of our relationship. Finding new ways home and new understandings of old problems. Missed our normal way home but found another through Tonganoxie, Bonner Springs, Kansas City Kansas. Met up with a magic man who fed us more candy. Dropped by the office to get her keys so we could nest at her home.
Dancing, cuddling, crying, remembering. Everything aired. Nearly three years. Talking until the dawn, music washing over the house, kitties looking in wonder. Realized that we would not be going to work or school. We spent the morning loving and she let go of the control and I felt like a goddess. Giving and taking pleasure. Beating new records so easily.
Waking in the afternoon determined to run to the bank and finish my paper. Office hours forgotten, meetings cancelled. I churned it out with her by my side, critiquing, suggesting. Knowing that we would spend that night the same as before. The grind calls and we wanted no distraction left for the rest of the semester.
Bewitched.
So much discussion. Quick words sliding off our tongues, an exciting crescendo. Dancing to wonderful ballads and compositions. Apologies for past actions and inactions. Feeding each others desire to be more. Yet sleep lulled me as we cuddled in the bed together with all of the animals. Words of love still poised on our lips as we awake to find the other still there.
The morning spent trying to avoid the world that drags on. Deciphering our merged auras. Happy tears of the morning jazz. The rush of responsibility pulling us out of the bed. The world waiting, we rejoin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
