The Fool's Journey

08.

2010-04-15T13:52:00.001-04:00

08., originally uploaded by pgpanic.

Tall Sprouts Order

2009-10-05T17:54:00.002-04:00

Tall Order, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Before this visit to the Fort Greene Farmer's Market, I had no idea where brussels sprouts came from. Imagine my surprise finding these babies going for $5 a stalk. Before brussels sprouts had always arrived from the store in neat little plastic covered containers.

Making Myself Aware

2009-09-04T11:42:00.004-04:00

Awareness is the first step towards meaningful change. Looks like now is a good time to both change and eat.

**Full Year: New York State**
Time of Year	Fresh Produce
January (early)	Apples, Cabbage, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash*
January (late)	Apples, Cabbage, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash*
February (early)	Apples, Cabbage, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash*
February (late)	Apples, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash
March (early)	Apples, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash
March (late)	Apples, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash
April (early)	Apples, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips*
April (late)	Apples, Onions , Potatoes, Turnips
May (early)	Apples*, Asparagus, Radishes, Spinach
May (late)	Apples*, Asparagus, Broccoli, Radishes, Rhubarb, Spinach
June (early)	Apples*, Asparagus, Broccoli, Cabbage, Radishes, Rhubarb, Spinach, Strawberries , Summer squash
June (late)	Beans, Broccoli, Cabbage, Peas, Potatoes, Radishes, Rhubarb, Spinach, Strawberries , Summer squash, Sweet Cherries
July (early)	Beans, Broccoli, Cabbage, Cauliflower, Lettuce, Peas, Potatoes, Radishes, Raspberries, Rhubarb, Sour Cherries, Spinach, Summer squash, Sweet Cherries, Tomatoes
July (late)	Apples, Beans, Beets, Blueberries, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Celery, Corn , Lettuce, Peaches, Peas, Potatoes, Radishes, Raspberries, Rhubarb, Sour Cherries, Summer squash, Tomatoes, Turnips
August (early)	Apples, Beans, Beets, Blueberries, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Celery, Corn , Cucumber, Eggplant, Lettuce, Melons, Onions , Peaches, Peas, Peppers, Potatoes, Radishes, Rhubarb, Summer squash, Tomatoes, Turnips
August (late)	Apples, Beans, Beets, Blueberries, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Celery, Corn , Cucumber, Eggplant, Grapes, Lettuce, Melons, Onions , Peaches, Pears, Peppers, Plums and prunes, Potatoes, Radishes, Rhubarb, Spinach, Summer squash, Tomatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash
September (early)	Apples, Beans, Beets, Blueberries, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Celery, Corn , Cucumber, Eggplant, Grapes, Lettuce, Melons, Onions , Peaches, Pears, Peppers, Plums and prunes, Potatoes, Pumpkins, Radishes, Raspberries, Spinach, Summer squash, Tomatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash
September (late)	Apples, Beans, Beets, Blueberries, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Celery, Corn , Cucumber, Eggplant, Grapes, Lettuce, Onions , Pears, Peppers, Plums and prunes, Potatoes, Pumpkins, Radishes, Raspberries, Spinach, Summer squash, Tomatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash
October (early)	Apples, Beans, Beets, Blueberries, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Celery, Corn , Cucumber, Eggplant, Grapes, Lettuce, Onions , Pears, Peppers, Potatoes, Pumpkins, Radishes, Raspberries, Spinach, Summer squash, Tomatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash
October (late)	Apples, Beets, Blueberries, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Celery, Eggplant, Grapes, Lettuce, Onions , Pears, Peppers*, Potatoes, Pumpkins, Radishes, Raspberries, Spinach, Turnips, Winter Squash
November (early)	Apples, Beets, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Celery, Onions , Pears, Potatoes, Radishes, Turnips, Winter Squash
November (late)	Apples, Beets, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Onions , Pears, Potatoes, Radishes, Turnips,Winter Squash*
December (early)	Apples, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Cauliflower, Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash*
December (late)	Apples, Broccoli, Cabbage, Carrots , Onions , Potatoes, Turnips, Winter Squash*
* Indicates availability from local hothouse or storage List from National Resource Defense Council Source: New York State Department of Agriculture and Markets

The Fool

2009-08-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

The fool, the wide-eyed innocent of the Major Arcana, begins his journey on a new path with the willingness to step off a cliff into the unknown. He brings little provisions with him, ready to create or find what he needs along the way. The sun at his back, his dog to accompany him, the fool's carefree pose stands testament to his search for the new adventure, to the faith he has in himself to forge a new path.

Wondering

2009-08-11T13:22:00.001-04:00

Who do you put down as your emergency contact once you breakup?

Finished Fingerless Mitts

2009-07-25T10:56:00.001-04:00

Finished Fingerless Mitts, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Finally finished these fabulous fingerless mitts featured in Weekend Knitting using Zitron Loft Color (923).

Fingerless Mitt 1 of 2

2009-07-13T22:48:00.002-04:00

Fingerless Mitt #1, originally uploaded by betwixt.

The pattern I am using is Fingerless Mitts in Weekend Knitting with Zitron Loft Color merino yarn. My plan was to use this project to increase my skill lever beyond garter stich scarfs. Wrangled with it some but got some help from the Queer Knitting Circle.

Tomorrow: cast on mitt 2!

Completed Uptown Redux

2009-06-22T23:58:00.002-04:00

Completed Uptown Redux, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Woo! Hoo! Scarf #2 finished in two short sittings and at 11ft. Out of control! Really love the super soft Bluesky Alpaca. Perhaps I shall make a matching beret.

Less than 2 hours...

2009-06-15T22:33:00.002-04:00

Less than 2 hours..., originally uploaded by betwixt.

into my new project.

10 minutes

2009-06-15T22:32:00.002-04:00

10 minutes in, originally uploaded by betwixt.

10 minutes into my new project.

Finished Oatmeal Scarf

2009-06-13T23:07:00.002-04:00

Finished Oatmeal Scarf, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Next task: embellish with fringe.

Oatmeal In Progress

2009-06-11T22:02:00.002-04:00

Oatmeal In Progress, originally uploaded by betwixt.

I am so close to finishing this scarf. I cannot believe it's almost done.

The big question: Who is this boycott in support of?

2009-04-28T13:26:00.002-04:00

Learn to listen to those you are trying to liberate from oppression as they will know how they wish to be liberated.

This is an email I received from Gareth Henry, former Program Manager and Co-Chair of Jamaica Forum for Lesbians All-Sexuals and Gays (JFLAG), regarding the San Francisco based Boycott Jamaica campaign.

Last year when I heard the horror stories of what was happening to the LGBT community as a result of a boycott that i was in full support of, I was really hurt and devastated. My intentions were to help my brothers and sisters but my actions were doing the opposite. Since then I have acknowledged where I went wrong, the boycott was called off and i have since apologized to the commuinty that I was once a leader of within.

I have been reading the emails going back and forth on the issue of the boycott called by the group in San Francisco, and what is evident is that is; all parties have a genuine concern about the state of violence against the LGBT community in Jamaica. However, the challenge is , the efforts to creat that needed change has not been properly organized, hence the divide.

In 2008, I was in full support of a boycott called by groups and organization in Canada, and there were some lessons learnt, by both the organizers and JFLAG. What we realized from the attempt was; in order to create the change we all so desire we have to be working together as a team, communication is essential and we need to have a clear startegy in place and JFLAGmust be on board. We will not always agree at all times, but the important thing is that we are all working together for the greater of the community.

The group in San Francisco has stated taht they have consulted with JFLAG. What i will say to that is yes contact was made via email, however, taht doies not consitute an alliance or collaboration. If there was proper consultation wiuth JFLAG I believe we would have been in a much different situation just now, not one with this divide on the efforts but one that is been supported in a meaningful way.

I believe the boycotters had a set agenda, it was a do or die tactic, and that is the wrong approach. I know that there is a desire to help LGBT people in Jamaica, but amidst this passion, supporters and allies must be willing to engae the group on the ground and develop a collaborative effort.

Despite JFLAG opposing the boycott from the onset, the fruop in San Francisco still went ahead and did what they wanted to do. I am still asking the big question, who is this boycott in suport of? Whose interest is being represented? Certainly not that of the gay and lesbian community in Jamaica. I guess this place me in the category of those Jamaicans who claim to know what is best for the LGBT community, and that is rightly so, I have lived the experience.

JFLAG and the LGBT community is not opposing international support and solidarity, what is been said to the international community is that they MUST be willing to engage, form alliances and also be practical and realistic in there efforts.

This call for a boycott would have been a great success if they had the suport of the Jamaican LGBT community. And I am not talking of LGBT community members who do not know what it is like to live in fear, treated as an outcast by family, being raped and being the victim of homophobic violence. Any successful action will need the voice of the Jamaica LGBT community behind it.

The perception is that the group in San Francisco care not what happens to the LGBT communty in Jamaica. This I believe is not the intention of the boycotters, but your actions are creating more harm than good. What is clear to me is that the boycotters do not clearly understand the complexities and harsh realities of LGBT life in Jamaica. Just a few days ago, two lesbians were raped; this is the most recent case i am aware of. The men who carried out this vicious act said to the women that they and there American friends want to mash up Jamaica with ther boycott, so they are going to mash them up. Last year, when i heard of the horror stories of what was happening to the LGBT community as a result of a boycott that i was in full support of, I was really hurt and devastated. My intentions were to help my brothers and sisters but my action was doing the opposite. Since then I have acknowledged where I went wrong, they boycott was called off and I have apologized to the community that I was once a leader within.

I really do want to see change in Jamaica, I was forced to leave because of increase threats on my life, been beaten by the police, having to be living in hiding, my family having to endure homophobic comments and have to deal with in the isolation in there community and church. I have seen my friends beaten, killed and chased out of ther community. I believe that action must be taken but it must be a coordinated effort by international groups/organizations and JFLAG.

Finally, JFLAG opposition to the boycott is in the interest of the community and has not been directed by Scott Long, Human Rights Watch, MCC or any other groups or organizations. It is insulting of the boycotters and others who are seeking to justify there inappropriate actions to think so. Individuals and groups who take the stance that JFLAG is taking, against this boycott do have the interst of the LGBT community at heart and have sought to work in collaboration with the community instead of telling the community what they want to do.

I strongly believe that groups, organizations and individuals who want to see action taken against homophobia in Jamaica should do so in dialouge with the commuinty and should stay away from any activity that will cause more blood shed and discomfort to the lives of persons in Jamaica.

What is needed now is for Americans and others to say to the boycotters, let us call off this boycott, let us try to help the LGBT community in a more constructive way. Let us start engaging with JFLAG, talking about the issues and developing strategies as we move forward, let us form an allaince, engage, develop a plan/strategy and then whatever that plan is, we then act collectively.

Gareth Henry

Former, Program Manager and Co-Chair

Jamaica Forum for Lesbians All-Sexuals and Gays

Equality Gainesville - No On Amendement 1 Team

2009-04-08T15:46:00.001-04:00

Equality Gainesville - No On Amendement 1 Team, originally uploaded by citizenswaine.

Defeat of Charter Amendment 1 is a great win for not only the citizens of Gainesville, Florida but for all folks who wish to protect lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender in housing, employment and public accommodations.

Tuesday, March 24th marked a defeat for those who would use fear and lies to divide our communities by singling out transgender people for discrimination.

This is us celebrating the 58.32% - 41.68% win at Brophy's in Downtown Gainesville, Florida.

Equality Gainesville - No On Amendement 1 Team

2009-03-26T01:18:00.001-04:00

Equality Gainesville - No On Amendement 1 Team, originally uploaded by citizenswaine.

Communities coming together and fighting to protect all of our citizens including those who are transgender and gender nonconforming in housing and employment.
We won: 58.32% - 41.68% and it feels so good!

Reason I've Been So Busy

2009-01-02T15:17:00.002-05:00

Travel Stats	2008
Trips	11
Days	118
Distance	38,653 mi
Cities	13
Countries	2

This list includes 5 different trips to California; 2 trips to Miami, FL; travel to Detroit and Hamtramck, MI; and wandering around Puerto Rico.
Is it any wonder I have barely left Brooklyn this winter? My next trip will be to Denver, CO on my birthday. I wonder what the rest of the year will bring.

change is bittersweet.

2008-11-17T17:46:00.000-05:00

There is so much that is swirling in my mind that I haven't been able to pin down. While state after state was being called for Obama, lgbt Californians were fighting for their place at the table. We had police threatening to arrest our poll workers and voters screaming anti-gay epithets. I screamed out loud when I heard that he took Florida. I cried when my 15 year old brother realized that he could be President. I bawled when I realized that our community could lose this election. I raged when I heard the scapegoating of the black community.
From Florida and Arkansas to Arizona and California our rights as full citizens were rejected. This week has been bittersweet but I'm anxious to see what change this administration brings.

Response to Palin's Community Organizer Dig

2008-09-04T12:25:00.001-04:00

"Community organizing is how ordinary people respond to out-of-touch politicians and their failed policies."

David Plouffe
Campaign Manager, Obama for America

From Mom

2008-08-01T10:19:00.003-04:00

Well since you were born in January I remember it being cold as hell. I started cleaning your room
and making sure you had diapers and stuff. Then you were born at St. Lukes Hospital one of the
best hospital in the city. You weighed 6.00 no ounces! You were hard to delivery because they
had to induced labor. Your dad was right there. You were a pretty bald headed baby!

If I had a dollar for every time someone said when she grows up she is going to have a head
full hair. I would be a very rich woman today! I'd walk you down the wedding aisle myself.

You wore hats a lot. Your granny named you the hat baby. You grandfather was alive to see
you thank god!

Love,

Mom!

The 4th Annual NYC Trans Day of Action for Social and Economic Justice: Points of Unity

2008-05-30T20:30:00.001-04:00

The 4th Annual NYC Trans Day of Action for Social and Economic Justice

Points of Unity

Initiated by TransJustice of the Audre Lorde Project, a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Two-Spirit, Trans and Gender Non-Conforming People of Color Center for Community Organizing.

When: Friday, June 27, 2008
Time: 3:00pm
Where: City Hall Park, NY, NY

We call on our Trans and Gender Non-Conforming (TGNC) community and on all of our allies from many movements to join us for the 4th Annual Trans Day of Action for Social and Economic Justice. We as TGNC People of Color (POC) recognize the importance of working together alongside other movements to change the world we want to see. We live in a time when people of color, immigrants and poor people are disproportionately underserved, face higher levels of discrimination, heightened surveillance and experience increased violence at the hands of the state. It is critical that we unite and work together towards dismantling the transphobia, racism, classism, sexism, ageism, ableism, homophobia and xenophobia that permeates throughout our movements for social justice. Let’s come together to let the world know that TGNC rights will not be undermined and together we will not be silenced! These are the points of unity, which hold together the purpose of this important march:

• We demand that TGNC people have equal access to employment and education opportunities. We are outraged by the high numbers of TGNC people who are unemployed. Many TGNC people continue to face blatant discrimination and harassment from employers due to systemic transphobia. Few TGNC people have access to opportunities for learning in a safe school environment. TGNC people demand that all employers and educational institutions implement non-discrimination policies that respect the rights of all workers and students and that they comply with the NYC Human Rights Law that prohibits discrimination against gender identity and expression!

• We demand that all people receiving public assistance entitlements including TGNC People of Color, be treated with respect and dignity. We stand in solidarity with all people living on public assistance. The NYC agency responsible for the administration of public welfare, the Human Resources Administration (HRA), continues to ignore our demands to address the systemic problems that exist internally and perpetuate the transphobia and harassment faced by TGNC people of color when applying for benefits such as welfare, access to shelters, access to culturally competent and sensitive healthcare, drug treatment programs, adult protective services, eviction prevention, and other essential services. We demand that the NYC HRA: conduct an internal investigation of these incidents; follow NYC ‘Guidelines Regarding Gender Identity Discrimination’ and develop means of enforcement; implement mandatory cultural competency training on gender identity/expression; implement a fully accessible process for reporting incidents of discrimination; and, commit to prioritize hiring of TGNC employees.

• We demand the full legalization of all immigrants. TGNC people deserve the right to access competent and respectful immigration services. We demand that the consulates of all countries respect and honor our identities and issue passports and other documentation that accurately reflects who we are. We oppose the guest worker program, the Real ID Act, enforcement provisions to build more walls and give greater powers to the Department of Homeland Security, increased barriers for asylum seekers, the HIV ban and other anti-immigrant policies that continue to divide our communities.

• We stand in solidarity with all prisoners, especially the many TGNC people behind the walls who are often invisible even within prisoner’s rights movements. We call attention to the under-reported accounts of severe violence and rape that our community faces at the hands of correction officers and other prisoners. We demand an end to the torture and high level of discrimination TGNC prisoners face. We demand that all TGNC prisoners receive competent and respectful healthcare. We oppose the continued growth of the prison industrial complex that continues to target our communities, yet we recognize that TGNC people need access to services and facilities that lessen our vulnerability to violence within the present jails and prisons. We are opposed to the closing of the “gay and Trans housing” unit on Rikers. We call attention to the criminal injustice system that increasingly puts POC, immigrants, TGNC people and poor people behind bars - further criminalizing our communities and our lives.

• We demand that TGNC people have access to respectful and safe living spaces. Many TGNC people face severe discrimination from landlords and housing administrators displacing us from our homes due to gender identity or expression. A disproportionate number of TGNC people have been or are currently homeless. However, many homeless TGNC people continue to face discrimination when trying to access shelters and other assisted living programs. NYC law and the Department of Homeless Services (DHS) state that people will be placed in shelters according to that person’s gender identity and that discrimination based on gender identity will not be tolerated. We demand that all DHS shelter administrators continue to provide adequate Trans sensitivity trainings for all personnel and enforce clear non-discrimination policies that respect the dignity of all homeless people.

• We demand that all children and youth, under the jurisdiction of the Administration of Children Services (ACS) and Private Foster Care Agencies, have the right to the freedom of gender expression and identity. In the 2002-landmark case Jean Doe v. Bell, it was established that children in NYC’s foster care system cannot be discriminated against for being transgender and cannot be forced to only wear clothing associated with their birth gender. Government institutions like ACS and private foster care agencies must be accountable for the health of people under their care, and recognize that this responsibility must include TGNC people and Trans related health care. We demand that ACS initiates a full investigation of all the incidents of misallocation of personal funds and the violations of confidentiality issues that have negatively affected the lives of children and youth under their care.

• We oppose the Bush Administration’s “War on Terrorism” as an excuse to legitimize the expansion of the U.S. as a imperial super power and to justify a national security strategy that is really meant to militarize our boarders and heighten surveillance and control over people living in the U.S., separating our communities by fostering feelings of hate, xenophobia, and violence. Every day we see more and more of our basic human rights like healthcare, jobs, education, housing, privacy, self-determination and the right of dissent slipping away from all of us. We must stand up now to demand the immediate removal of all U.S. troops from all countries under occupation and demand an end of use of U.S. dollars to cultivate and sponsor wars against people in the U.S. and abroad.

• We demand justice for the many TGNC people who have been beaten, assaulted, raped, and murdered yet these incidents continue to be silenced, misclassified or blamed on the victim. The police and the media continue to criminalize us even when we try to defend ourselves. An increase in hate crime laws will not solve the problem but will give increased power to the state to put more people in jail. Instead we call for a unified effort for all of us to look deeper into the root causes of why these incidents happen. As a society that seeks social justice we seek to find ways of holding people accountable and coming to a joint understanding of how we can make our communities safer for all of us. Like many other oppressed communities like communities of color, immigrants and the poor, TGNC people are also targeted, profiled and brutalized by the police. We demand an end to the profiling, harassment, arrest, brutality and murder that occurs at the hands of the police! These incidents of violence do not occur in isolation, and are aggravated by racism, sexism, classism, xenophobia, misogyny, ageism and damaging strict heterosexist values.

We stand in solidarity with the family of Sean Bell, who are still tirelessly working towards justice after the police were later acquitted of charges. We stand in solidarity with the Jersey 4, 4 Lesbian women arrested in the West Village for defending themselves from a man that assaulted them. We stand in solidarity with Miriam, a transgender woman who was pushed out the window of her 4th floor apt and left for dead. We commemorate the memory of Amanda Milan, Sakia Gunn, Ruby Ordeñana, Gwen Araujo, Erika Keels, Victoria Arellano, Lawrence King, Saneesha Stewart and the many other brave souls we have lost, who struggled and lived their lives fearlessly day in and day out, being true to who they were. They keep the fire of struggle burning within all of us.

On June 27, 2008, TGNC People of Color and allies will take on the streets of New York City once again and demand justice to let the world know that the Stonewall rebellion is not over and we will continue fighting for social and economic justice, raising our voices until we are heard. We call on all social justice activists from communities of color, the LGBT movement, immigrant rights movement, the anti-war movement, the reproductive rights movement, youth and student groups, trade unions and worker organizations, religious communities and HIV/AIDS and social service agencies, both local and organizations around the country to endorse this call to action and to build contingents to march in solidarity together on June 27, 2008.

To endorse the Trans Day of Action for Social and Economic Justice 2008, send an email to endorsetdoa@alp.org, for more information about the march send an email to info4tdoa@alp.org or contact Elizabeth Marie Rivera at 718-596-0342 x18. Join us on MySpace at www.myspace.com/transjusticenyc

trans rights currently

2008-05-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

I have to start off by saying that I am super excited to be working on transgender rights with Basic Rights Montgomery. It feels great to be working on trans rights outside of a marriage equality framework. Personally I have been itching to do work outside of the freedom to marry. Working as an organizer for lgbtq rights can get pretty sticky anytime someone asks what you are working on and it is mostly marriage equality, people just assume after that. Leading to conversations defending the state of the ‘movement’ and explaining why I support it. A year ago I rolled my eyes and hoped I wouldn’t be working solely on marriage but I now wholeheartedly support it. I still do not want marriage to solely define me or my work. I have indeed opened hearts and minds to support the freedom to marry and I am proud of that fact.
I want to always make sure my work also includes fighting for greater social justice within and outside of the lgbtq community. I have a feeling that is why I was chosen, in addition to my desire to be molded into a better organizer.
In regards to supporting Basic Rights Montgomery in their fight for trans rights I am so very happy the Task Force has taken this on. Fundraising for trans rights – outside of a top surgery bar fundraiser – seems so daunting at first. The idea of training people on something that I had never done before was intimidating but with rehearsal I knew that would be quelled. I think everyone was worried that they did not have enough people who they felt they could call on to donate specifically for trans rights. Listening to Billy’s fears of rejection by family resonated with me and my own family. It is something to continue to work through and makes me realize how much I really need to talk to my father about my own life. I know that was one of my own worries, still is. Many of my friends who are the ‘true believers’ and want to give are also worrying about where their next paycheck is coming from or if they have enough money to pay rent. I was afraid that I wasn’t raising enough money but seeing how every little bit adds up has been heartening. Through the recruitment calls I have been feeling more and more comfortable asking for money.
As a personal note I always feel like an inadequate member of the team because I don’t have a substantial personal base that I can call on. I don’t know a lot people who give anything more than a few hours volunteer time here and there; or they work for nonprofits so they don’t feel obligated to give outside of that. I find that now that I working for social justice I am not sure what to do with my free time anymore. What do you do once your hobby becomes your job, your work?

Equality for All - Riverside, California

2008-04-27T20:40:00.000-04:00

I must admit I was terrified. Being dropped in a smaller conservative area to block paid signature gatherers is a bit daunting. Not to mention the reality of being dropped into a gaggle of organizers that I do not know where the Task Force is not running the show.
The questions that I asked myself were: What did they know? What role was I expected to take on? What was I ready to take on? Would they resent it? These questions swirled through my brain as the plane glided over the Midwest.
Getting a tour of the office did little to quell my fears and I tried not to look horrified. Running with Equality for All organizers I made sure to let them lead the way. Keeping in the theme of team and staying on a level playing field I did not take the initial lead. I wanted to see how they operated and know their habits and tactics. Granted this was tougher than you would think it would be. Taking more patience than I thought I had.
Through working, asking, prodding my fellow organizers to prepare, to be better and it made me realize just how far I have come as an organizer. Working wit Brandi and Demi on volunteer recruitment got me to thinking about the work the Los Angeles team put into developing fellows last summer. This time around I trusted myself more than ver. I knew that I could successfully contribute to the work. Working one-on-one with Brandi showed me that I may not like every moment of it but I could make it worth something. Being able to meet people where they are at and inching them where you want them to be is one of the most important skills an organizer can have. People don’t usually move in leaps especially when its hard work but that should never stop you from getting behind them and pushing this past their real or imagined limitations.
I really struggle with the feeling of needing to train these organizers on how to better do the work. I feel with proper training the Riverside team could have pushed forward and ramped up their numbers of volunteer show-ups. Breaking the organizers into different teams during the week and allowing volunteer recruitment to be more methodical and less scatter shot could have meant the difference in making sure efforts were focused and successful.

YOUR HELP IS NEEDED TO ENSURE TRANSGENDER EQUALITY IN KCMO!

2008-03-28T14:12:00.004-04:00

Next Wednesday at noon the Kansas City’s City Council will vote on updating the city’s nondiscrimination ordinance to include protections based on gender identity. Currently it is illegal in Kansas City to discriminate in housing, employment and public accommodations based on sexual orientation. It is perfectly legal to discriminate against transgender and gender non-conforming people if the proposed ordinance passes, this will change.

You can help ensure its passage by:

* Attending the Hearing.

Wednesday, April 2nd @ noon. City Hall, 10th Floor Conference Room.

(Park at 12th & Oak, cross street and take the elevator up to the 10th floor; the conference room is to the left.)

* Call and write every member of the City Council.

Letters and phone calls get more attention than email! Leave messages! Share your personal story; provide some statistics if you have them, tell the City Council this is the right thing to do!

Mailing address, phone numbers and email addresses can be found at the City Council website (follow the link: City Council)

New You, New Me

2008-01-03T14:41:00.000-05:00

I live in Brooklyn and work in New York City. I will spend half of January in Miami and over a week in Detroit. I am a Field Organizer for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

My partner, Billy, is a gender nonconforming writer and designer. Billy is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I love far deeper than I ever thought. I have two pups that live in Upstate New York, while my partner and I find pup friendly housing in Brooklyn. I also have two rats, one a pink-eyed white rat named Huxley and a double rex white/grey rat with a roving bald spot named Peppito.

I moved to Brooklyn to continue my fellowship with the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. Someway, somehow I convinced Billy to make the move with me. I sold most of my worldly belongings, boxed up what I could not part with and hit the road with u-haul, pups and partner in tow.

This has been quite the year.

WEHO Exchange

2007-08-01T15:35:00.000-04:00

"I am trained to look you in the eye but I am distracted by something."
Well, I think that perhaps he just got bad news as he was having a sustained conversation with the gentleman who just left.
I said, "Oh, that's fine hon."
He continues by asking me what vegetables I want on my sub. As he finishes wrapping the sub, throwing it in a bag.
He then says, "What I mean is that you have a wonderful body." He ends that line with a thumbs up and wink. All I can muster up is, "Oh."

for whom?

2007-07-23T20:53:00.001-04:00

Met an old man named Rosie yesterday. He identified as transgender and a drag queen. I asked if he had a pronoun preference, he did not. Rosie met hir partner 32 years ago in San Francisco while on hormones to transition to become a woman. As they started dating this man said that if he wanted to be with a woman he would get a woman. Rosie decided to stop transitioning for him. Said that zie was interested in helping us fight for the freedom to marry, that zie would be so happy, so ecstatic if they could get married together.
These next few weeks are for her, for Rosie.

almost

2007-07-14T11:50:00.000-04:00

I can feel her shifting. She is pushing me to be better, to go for what I want. But that also means pushing me away from her. I can feel some anger towards me, frustration at me.
As we were getting off the phone, I said 'I love you.'; she said 'bye'.

the long end feels a lot shorter than you can imagine

2007-07-09T03:36:00.001-04:00

There is something utterly amazing about a woman who will tend to your fires while you are gone. Putting them out while still trying to make sure that you feel supported and loved. Putting the pups, the ratties, my family, me to sleep.

Talked about applying for a couple of organizing jobs in New York City. A day of crabbiness and melancholy. She said, "Yeah, that did get me a wee bit riled up. Not because I don't want you to go, just because I want to too." I need to be more emotionally generous with Billy.

I am not sure how I would have been able to accomplish this summer without her. I stare at the picture of us at the base of the waterfall in Ithaca. There are things to be said. She wants to redefine what it means to be family, I want to be apart of her family.

Ratty Kisses

2007-07-05T04:45:00.001-04:00

Huxley Beauregarde and Bingham Kingsley.

Bingham died earlier today. I cried in the middle of the sidewalk. I wasn't sure what to do, say. I wished I had more time to spend with her before I left. That last week I was home we rolled up and napped in the bedroom for a couple of hours, Huxley running around refusing to lay still. I remember bringing her home in that little blue cage with the yellow wheel. Noisy mustard swirls as she ran in circles throughout the night. I felt better knowing she was around. I would get up to check on her throughout the night. I was afraid to pick her up a lot, I wasn't sure what rats liked. She liked to be rubbed behind her ears and hide in my cleavage. Running, climbing, burrowing between my skin and shirt. I would pull my head in to witness her joy.
Before Bingham I didn't know that rats gave kisses. Perhaps she did it to groom or for the lingering taste of lunch but her little tongue would just have at ears, fingers, cheeks. She was so sweet, I was at school a lot during the day. Everything that I read said that rats like to live in pairs, I did not want her to be lonely. So I got Huxley. They fought; Bingham being mean to Huxley, Huxley being mean to Bingham. They grew to be good cage mates, guarding each other from poking dog snouts. When Bingham got sick and swollen unable to move to the food, I witnessed Huxley fetching her some food. Huxley would also help to keep her clean when she was sick.
I remember the first time she was sick. Her legs had swollen, her eyes with red tears. I cried, speeding us to the animal hospital in North Kansas City. I paid them nearly $100 to see her and to give us anti-swelling medication. This would not be the first time I had to do this. Although I formed a relationship with my local vet so I wouldn't have to do any last minute hospital visits. At one point I paid to have the vet to perform a biopsy on a growth she had under her chin and to drain her swelling. The biopsy came back ok, the doctor said that she had an infection deep in her bones. We kept watch over her, the swelling would go down with medication, come back a few months later, go down with medication, so on and so forth. Even when sick she was always ready to curl up in a pants leg, give you some kisses, eat some yogurt treats. Bingham was a chubby little rat.
The last full week I was home, I was bathing the rats and discovered a swelling on Bingham's belly that her fur had hid. Sending pics to the doc he said that we needed to operate, it was a tumor. The price was more than I could afford, it would cost about the same as for a cat or small dog. "They are considered exotic." There are only two doctors in the area who could operate. "It will probably come back in less than a month." I wanted to see what we could work out. "You can't keep doing this, you have to let her go." She died in her sleep, sometime after Billy gave them breakfast.
The funeral was tonight as I sat sleepily in the backseat from our Long Beach trip. I only wished that I could be back home in Kansas City, saying goodbye to Bingham. Instead of a Viking funeral Billy (with Dee Jay's help) opted for a more Tibetan funeral pyre, eventually needing to scatter ashes and burying the rest. I appreciate the care that went into this.

Writing helps me to feel better but I will still cry tonight. She was one of the most darling pets and a joy to have around. I love you, Bingham Kingsley. Goodbye.

fear, hold me in place

2007-06-29T04:59:00.000-04:00

I hear they are digging up graves, my granny's will more than likely be one of them. I cannot bear to call my parents for fear that they will do nothing.

had to

2007-06-29T04:55:00.000-04:00

I had to visit your ex-lover to discover something that I didn't know. I then wonder if I should return.

Dyke March

2007-06-27T02:54:00.001-04:00

Dyke March, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Part of my weekend, my first San Francisco Dyke March.

Trans March

2007-06-27T02:52:00.001-04:00

Trans March, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Part of my weekend, my first San Francisco Trans March.

San Francisco Pride

2007-06-27T02:47:00.001-04:00

SF Pride, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Part of my weekend, my first San Francisco Pride.

solstice dreaming

2007-06-26T03:31:00.000-04:00

I had a dream the other day. I was well into my ninth month of pregnancy and still working full-time as an organizer for some miscellaneous social justice campaign. Billy and I both worked at this organization; we were partners (in the queer sense). She has built the tub in which I was to have the baby, her mom, Celeste, staying with us as my midwife. At a demonstration rally, I was leading the charge, bullhorn in hand. Next thing I know my water has broke, Billy comes to my side making sure I stay upright. I yell to my next in command, bark, "Take it from here! Keep this moving!" Other help Billy get me into the car so that we may get home for the birth. Next thing I know I am in the tub, Celeste coaching, finally coaxing the baby out. The baby is out, floating, next the placenta. I relax momentarily cooing over the baby, everyone titters at the sight of the newly birthed baby. I feel pressure, more birth pains. Celeste looks at me in concern, taking care. I tell her I think she better look/feel around down there. 'But...' She does. Not sure if she says 'oh' or 'oh my'. Next thing we all know it is baby number two. I'm not sure which came first the male or the female but there are now two. Floating, beautiful. Billy is all too happy. I am happy. Much too happy to wake up but I did.

What I did for summer vacation...

2007-06-26T02:32:00.000-04:00

I fought for the freedom to marry for folks regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Every day, gay and lesbian Californians are denied the freedom to marry the person they love. Let California Ring is a public education campaign to open hearts and minds about the freedom to marry and the respect, support and legal responsibilities that come with it. At its heart, Let California Ring is a conversation that begins with you.

Find out more at www.letcaliforniaring.org

self aware

2007-06-26T02:25:00.000-04:00

I have been in Los Angeles for over two weeks. I have hesitated to write. Not as if I have little to say, I have been committing bits and pieces to my travel journal. There are so many feelings still swirling. Happy for the work, glad to learn.
Discovering where I fit in. Wondering what will happen when I return home, head filled with knowledge, wanting to put it all to good use.
L.A. Pride came in, saw the city, hit the ground running as far as work is concerned. Not too excited about this city but figured it would be at least a little fun. I have had some fun here and there, my coworkers are really awesome. Work can consume so much time as well as finding your way around such a huge mass of land sans car (Somehow I have managed to lose weight in the first couple of weeks. Wondering if it has anything to do with all of the walking and bus catching?).

Responding to my first weekly report, Moof, my supervisor, called me 'very self-aware'. Here is a bit of what she was responding to:

• Which one of Fred Ross’s axioms speaks to you and why?

“Leadership – You don’t develop new leaders, you push people into taking action by refusing to do it yourself. You are then providing them the opportunity to become aware of their own capabilities.”
I think the most important idea that I learned this week was ability to work with volunteers and to be looking for leaders at every junction. I feel that the ability to work with and for people is very important to making any movement or change sustainable. The name of the game in organizing is sustainability of a movement, for volunteers, and for the organizers themselves
In the past I have struggled with sustaining myself and other organizers whether that was from lack of help, lack of asking for help or recognizing when someone else needed help. I am not going to let that happen. I am going to make sure to take time out for myself, explore the city, and ‘get a life’ outside of work.

I think I need to listen to myself more.

Leaving on a jet plane...

2007-06-07T10:45:00.001-04:00

Heading to Los Angeles in less than one hour. I will be there until mid August. There are so many feelings swirling in and out of my head through my ears. Excitement at the opportunity to work for the Task Force, to be paid to learn how to become a better organizer. I have taken a look at the schedule for the first week and I must say, 'Whoa!' So many trainings, long days, events. Also heading over a little early so I volunteered to work L.A. Pride - when I get into town I already have a training planned.

I am staying in a not-so-great area but I am not very worried - everyone else is worried enough for me. What I am worried about is being broke and without a safety net. What I am worried about is being in a new city without my car. I have only been driving for a few years but I have taken to it greatly.
I will miss my friends, my home, my girlfriend, our dogs and ratties. Gretel's high pitched bark signaling time to wake up, Pip cuddling me back to sleep.
Billy is so amazing and I will miss her. I have grown accustomed to cuddling her while she sleeps.
My flight has started to board. I will miss Kansas City.

peach fuzz

2007-05-24T01:10:00.000-04:00

I need to say something and it is something that I have been hesitant to talk about until recently.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS. It's this icky icky medical diagnosis that includes irregular/absent periods, acne, and weight gain. The list can go on and on and on. A lot of this culminates in obesity and diabetes (oh and certain death) if I dont get a handle on it now. As a bonus there are support communities like SoulCysters that I can join. (Get it? Soul Cysters... heh.)
In and of itself PCOS cannot be treated, only the symptoms can be managed. Changing diet and exercise habits is the first but hardest aspect of treatment. So far they have me on medication for insulin resistance, another to block excess androgen, and progesterone to temporarily make me menstruate. There is talk of putting me on a regular birth control pill - I am resisting that. There are only so many pills I want to take in one day.

In addition to those symptoms I am in the process of growing one mean beard. It started out as one hair here, then two hairs there and has now evolved into a little forest directly beneath my chin, a little bit of fuzz on my chin and a pair of oh so fuzzy chops. I spy the little hairs on my upper lip beginning to thicken.
I am a hairy lady, I am (or will be) the bearded lady. It's scary but fun in a queer way. I am coming out as hirsute. Bear in mind I don't even know how to pronounce that. Her-sweet, hur-suit, nope still don't know. There is a medication cream to take care of that but it is pretty pricey at nearly $60 a bottle. I have laser hair removal already purchased but have been terrified to start the process. Plus, I'm starting to like the chops.

Quote of the Day!

2007-04-18T00:44:00.001-04:00

Billy: it is sort of like people who smell colors. I emote squishiness.

P.S. Check out the April issue of Curve, on page 14, yours truly is pictured with a little write up about Creating Change. It's the issue with the oh so hot Jackie Warner on the cover. Yeow!

So...

2007-04-14T20:07:00.001-04:00

that hopefulness paid off and I received the Organizing Fellowship with the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force!

They are placing me at their Los Angeles office for the summer. It's very exciting! I am now looking for housing in L.A. for the two months that I will be there (preferably close to their offices).

Anyone got tips, leads, couches, luck? Let me know.

Nascent Realizations

2007-02-20T12:13:00.001-05:00

Early this morning I had the strangest dream. I dreamed that somehow I was to be killed by an assassin. Instead they killed what they thought was me. When the assassin saw that she had killed the wrong person, who looked a lot like me, she told me to grab some things and escape as the clean up crew would arrive soon.

I set about picking out the things out of my room in the apartment which morphed into a house, my parents house. Somehow I had some stuffed dog I was trying to take with me. I grabbed notebooks, socks, photos, too much, I was taking too long.
The clean up crew arrived, I was still there debating on taking my diploma. The assassin told me to leave it for my parents.

The clean up crew supposedly knew the target, my hair had changed covering half of my face. I felt that I knew someone in the clean up crew. Someone told me that I better be glad I wasn't the target, I agreed audibly and wholeheartedly. Another came in saying that she heard a word that reminded her of someone. I was terrified. I could feel the assassin tense up.

The assassin said that my parents would reveal the truth and get me killed, that I could no longer be what they knew, Jovan was dead. She told me to go, GO!

As I left for the door I looked back, my parents were about the house. My dad spotted me and said 'Hey, Jovan!' The assassin tried to distract, telling him he was wrong, telling me to GO. My brother opened the door to look after me. I ran, though yards, past children playing, behind bushes, over fences.

I knew my life depended on me getting away, depended on them no longer knowing the me that lay dead on the floor.

technorati tags:dreams, me, death, renewal

Meet Greta/Gretel!

2007-02-01T22:36:00.001-05:00

Meet Greta/Gretel!, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Meet the newest edition to my pack, Greta/Gretel! Let's just say that my 25th birthday rocked and my girlfriend is super awesome.

New York, New York

2007-01-21T03:42:00.001-05:00

Pink Elephant, originally uploaded by betwixt.

Quite a different trip from my first one in September.
View the whole set [here].

Lately I Love.

2007-01-19T01:02:00.000-05:00

Here it is Christmas morning, early morning. My roommate is out of the country and I am sharing my home with Billy and my little brother. I am happy.

I am typing this from her PowerBook as mine is sitting there waiting for me to digitally pry it open, releasing the imperfect pearls of my life. Unrefined pearls made of sorrow, giddy discovery, happy moments, lazy afternoons, frustrated ramblings. There is no Kino, no village to pine for these pearl’s wealth; they are only worth something to my own life.

Something, or someone, else of worth has entered my life. This experience is progressing at an interesting charge. One decision among many, driving out to Lawrence at the last minute, a date that I was unsure that it actually was.

Returning to see where she sleeps now, to meet the guardian pup, her new apartment.

There were hours of dancing, not literal dancing mind you, the dancing of those studying, deciphering the other’s intentions. We filled that time up with Scrabble, coffee, and conversation.

I was unsure of the next move, there was waiting. Fetch with the pup led us to the bedroom and propelled us forward. Not so fast, as I hesitated to make the next move, yet fingers, lips touched.

Overhead lights offer a blinding distraction from intimate conversations, all she had to replace that intrusion were tea lights lined across the sole windowsill. Discussion of what we wanted sexually, movement to action.

Sex with someone new is always a bit dizzying. Sex with Billy transforms moments, with pleasure, gender shifts as well.

The morning sun touched the burnt out tea lights, signaling that our two hours of sleep over, barely allowing my eyes respite. Realizing the time, wishing I had more, I called ahead to give warning to my co-organizers. “I will more than likely be late. Yes, I am still in Lawrence. I so owe you two.” I hung up the phone, their giggles still in my ears matching the ones at the base of my throat.

Morning grins, kisses, nervous stomach butterflies signaling hunger and a giddy excitement. All over my body, I could still feel her hands caressing, her lips kissing.

The city, the conference lies in wait. Billy blew me a kiss as we got into our cars; I followed her speed down 70. We would see each other again in a few hours.

Throughout the conference, we kept close to one another, hands clasped together under tables and behind corners kissing. My eyes darting nervously, words stammering, stuttering, betraying how much I like her. As soon as she would leave my sight, I would take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let out a high-pitched noise of elation.

November brought us, Thanksgiving, which we spent together at her place. I was happy there, cuddling with her, the pup, and the ratties.

Coming back to Kansas City did not feel the same; it still does not.

assorted nonsense

2006-09-15T21:00:00.000-04:00

So much has been going on. September has taken me by storm but in such a good way. Too bad when you change the world continues to stay the same. Before I left I got the graduate teaching position for a course in the history of the film industry, when I came back I landed an internship with the Kansas City Film Jubilee doing education/youth outreach.
A black filmmaker from the American Film Institute will be teaching a short course in African American cinema here and I am working with the department for a scholarship so I can actually take the class for credit. I am immensely pumped - for an urban university we currently have no course in African American cinema.
The documentary that I am currently working on is going well and people are excited when I pitch it to them, the company and artists are excited as well.

I have much to write about but sleep is more important at this point. So many things to work out. So much forgiving that I need to implement. I wish so many things were easier to grasp but they remain elusive.

Atlanta was amazing, I am ready to move. Now if only I can get into the program I want. I will be in New York from Monday to Thursday. Perhaps I will wish to move there as well. Chicago may be in the plans for October.
My fingers are crossed as I am quickly hitting up my travel checklist. It feels so good to be going to the places I have only dreamed and schemed about.
Kansas City remains the same. Same nonsense, feeling out of place in my own hometown. Dating is a sad joke here and I do not find it funny at all.
I try my damnedest to remain optimistic but it is not the easiest of tasks. Instead I have a couple of pet rats, a ficus tree, an small aquarium of assorted fishes, frogs, and a snail. (I really love animals and am trying desperately to not get a kitty or puppy.) Must not forget that I got wind-chimes for my balconies.
My roommate better get to the US before I turn this apartment into a petting zoo.

For those interested here are some photos from the last few weeks.
Atlanta
No Bush, No Talent Show

P.S. For the most part I am happy in my life right now. When people ask me how I am I say 'good', and I mean it. I am just ready to hit the next level, to make that next improvement, to meet more awesome people, to travel farther, to further realize my personal power, to fully become Jovan.

woodelly whoo!

2006-07-25T21:04:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I have updated. Blah blah blah.

Working with PROMO has been awesome. We have so many projects going its amazing that we have any fun at all. The Politics and Performance fundraiser went well. Currently we are working on a joint dodgeball fundraiser for PROMO and KCAVP, as well as a 20th anniversary brunch for PROMO.
The Equality Summit is coming up soon and we are up to our eyeballs in the upcoming Creating Change conference. I actually volunteered myself as the chair for the diversity committee. Indeed.
We are also working to form a coalition between groups/organizations who work with lgbt youth - working through a mission statement and name has proven to be quite a task but we are on the right path.
The primary is just around the corner - August 8th - so check out Jolie Justus for State Senate. This weekend is the PROMO's 20th anniversary soiree - the invitation said 'upscale chic'. I think that is so ridiculous so we are going to figure out how to look fancy/ridiculous/outrageous for our St. Louis adventure.

Saw Peaches last weekend in Lawrence. Amazing, amazing, amazing show! There were dancers and dancing, sweat and more sweat. Scantily clad ladies of Burly Q fame, JD from LeTigre, and the most beautiful drummer in the world. (Samantha Malone from Hole.) Finally got to see Eagles of Death Metal - I like, I like. The lead singer has awesome facial hair.

Last week we also had a visit from Bike Aid 2006. These amazing bicyclists are riding from San Francisco to Washington, D.C.. This group have been brought together by Global Exchange and this years theme of lgbt empowerment. They go from community to community working on service projects and volunteering where needed in addition to speaking out about lgbt equality and their ride. Wish I had that kind of dedication but bike riding is not my strongest suit - now scooters, I can get behind that trek. Some of their blogs here and here. We got to spend a bunch of time, most of it drinking and eating. Fun group, I wish them success on the rest of their journey.

Travelled to Branson last week. Strange town with lots of outlet shopping, mountain driving, dinner show watching, country and christian humor. Good food but at one resturant we were faced with a menu section called 'Coon Hollar Specials'. Many a time we came up on the good ol' confederate flag. You don't realize how much Missouri is a apart of the south until you're in the Ozarks. Lovely.
Other than that the trip was ok. Got to see a magic show with tigers, cheetahs, and panthers but left before they brought out the unicorn. :( Better than being disappointed by a horse with a horn glued to its head. Lots of swimming as our hotel had an indoor pool and jacuzzi that was open until midnight.

Working as an associate producer on a student documentary from here until the winter. We have already started putting it in motion and I am very excited - we actually have money to budget! This fall is already turning out to be busy. Waiting on word regarding the graduate intern position at the Women's Center. Hopefully my department will be able to scrape up a teaching assistant position for me. The UNews is still on my plate and we are currently working on our paper size change and getting together our ad department.

Retooling the site for CodePink so we are not relying on MySpace servers so go visit, love it.

I must actually get some sleep now. Tomorrow is another busy day.

random bastardization

2006-05-31T21:03:00.000-04:00

The internet influences us in different ways, through language and its usage. I am amazed at the things that have filtered into my own language. Things that were once inside jokes I have internalized into my common usage. It is absolutely ridiculous and absolutely scary.
Some things I will write down knowing what they are, chuckling, and press send without correcting. Words that would get a laugh from my friends but others do not have the context so they do not get it. They just think its a mistake or perhaps they just think that I am an idiot. Unwords, nonwords, and random slang, online and offline. Random language bastardization can be loads of fun but it can also be dangerous.

go go gadget life

2006-04-07T21:07:00.000-04:00

Been doing a shit ton of thinking - a shit ton. Figuring out what it is I want to do and what I could do. I guess a lot of what I want to do is change the world. Changing it through action, through the media, through film. Creation leading to change.
There is so much in this world that needs to change but we cannot even get a dialogue going. I wish to spark that dialogue in any way I can. First I need to find a job. :)

Got to see a personal hero of mine last week, Kate Bornstein. This amazing performer, poet, writer, transsexual gender warrior sparks thoughts always racing through my head. When going to hear her speak I wasn't sure what to expect - most of what I have read from her deals with gender and genderqueer issues. She did some spoken word, telling the story of her life, of her continuing transition. She offered advice to the crowd, "Never fuck someone you wouldn't want to be." She talked of not setting out to be an author.
She talked of suicide and how our bodies shed themselves every 7 years. She talked of survival and what it takes to keep ourselves alive when our hearts wish us dead. It resonated and I was close to tears over a dozen times. She perfectly communicated what I could never fully tell others. There is no true suicide prevention. There are no words that can truly keep someone from ending their life. They have to make that choice themselves, they have to constantly 'trick' themselves into living one more day. We all have our tricks that keep us alive, that keep us from suicide.
Afterwards I was able to have her sign a copy of 'Gender Outlaw' and we talked for a minute. I told her a little bit about my survival tricks, dealing with gender, and how awesome I think she is. We were both close to tears. She told me that if I ever needed anything to call her. Kate Bornstein gave me her phone number. Seriously. Amazing.

The book I recommend getting is 'My Gender Workbook; How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely' - so much fun studying and playing with gender.
Her latest book comes out next month and I plan to pre-order it - Hello Cruel World : 101 Alternatives to Teen Suicide. I am no longer a teen but it will spurn me to create my own list of alternatives. Goddess knows I have over 101.

Some other things are happening with me but I have pushed it to the background. Just trying to enjoy the rest of this semester in between the craziness of graduating and all of my other activities. I am off to St. Louis this weekend for a college media conference. Hopefully I'll have a chance to hit up St. Louis proper. It has been a while since I have had a chance to visit the City Museum or go to The Upstairs Lounge. First, I must edit my section for the paper, flyer at First Fridays for Code Pink and attend Take Back The Night's poetry reading at the Planet. Perhaps I'll make it to The Mercy Seat on my way to St. Louis. Go. Go. Go.

bleh@me

2006-03-27T20:12:00.000-05:00

If you have talked to me in the last few days and I have been a little short or snarky know that it is nothing against you. I have not been feeling well and did not fully realize it until this weekend while sitting around while my kidney area threw bursts of pain through my body. I could not move without being in crazy pain.
Thought it was from not drinking enough water in the last week or so but my doctor suggested it may be kidney stones (DeeJay also suggested this so I blame him for the diagnosis). Fever and sluggishness. The kidney pain went away bit by bit over the weekend. Luckily I broke my fever this morning but I still feel upper respiratory problems. Not good.
If you would have seen what I wore this morning truly the fact that Im not well should have come across. I looked as if a 5 year old dressed me: red shoes, hot pink socks, navy blue pants, bright blue shirt and a brown track jacket. Nothing coordinated or even matched - I looked like I got dressed in the dark!

I just did not fully realize just how stressed I was until this weekend. My body knew but I am of mind to ignore it until I get done what I need to get done. No time to get sick, I cannot schedule sickness. So the magical pause button that will stop the world for a while would be wonderful - a week is all I need. Just one week. (Otherwise who wants to take the GRE for me?)

Otherwise I love my friends. They don't shy/run away when I am cranky and sickly. Lunching with me so I don't eat boxed food in front of the tube. They continue to listen to my inane rambling about life and love, and offering sound advice when I so need it.
I could not have gotten this far through winter and through this semester without you all - online and offline.

whirlwind

2006-03-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

So the heavens continue to spin and I am left wondering when the reeling will cease. I know, it won't.
Girls are as confusing as ever and I don't see that stopping anytime soon either. Every time I think I am just relaxing and going with the flow of things a wrench is thrown into that works. Just been trying to have a good time with little to no drama.

I have not fallen on my head, I am not crazy, I do not have a brain tumor. Bianca and I are going to try that friend thing again. So far, so good.

School, life, and political action have to take precedence. This is the home stretch. Graduation is coming up soon and I must actually graduate. I would feel like such an asshole if I don't at this point.
I went into the graduation fair to price announcements, next thing I know is that I am being sized for my graduation gown. I could say nothing, he just ran through it so fast. Next thing I know I am looking at class rings, announcements and commencement tickets. Talking with Jarrod about a graduation party. What the hell!? I told myself that I was not going to walk - my plan was to actually leave town for the weekend. (I have my eye on Chicago.)
I left the graduation fair without the announcements (I can design something better and cheaper!). You can't take me shopping anywhere.

Have speeded the job finding process. My lab position should get me up til mid-May but I will need something, anything, after that. Still looking to go to D.C. on the so I hope to have a job when I come back on the 21st.

Right now action is on my plate - political action. Photographed the Peace Action on Sunday - will post photos later this week. AAUW Choice speaker tomorrow. Feminist United 'Rally for Choice' on Friday, 2pm, Nichol's Fountain. CODEPINK has arrived in Kansas City. These next two months will be lots of fun.

Everything is spinning so damned fast. I have so much to do and so little time to do it. But I must not get too bogged down; don't want to break down.

to the brim

2006-03-12T20:15:00.000-05:00

The height of my epiphany came over me like a silent fart from an old dog. That great game of musical chairs has been played and I am the one left standing. I think I got pushed heading for that chair and then the other chair was pulled out from underneath me.
Next Missy Koonce and friends broke into a horrible sing-along rendition of Rent's 'Seasons of Love'. It was at that point that I wished I were anywhere but on this planet. I think my heart broke a little more; perhaps the duct tape and gorilla glue are losing their grip.

hate and being afraid

2006-03-05T20:17:00.000-05:00

I hate to think that I was someone's 3 1/2 year sabbatical. I am afraid it is what it is.
There is much that I was afraid to see. I am now afraid of being crushed again - crushed so far beyond recognition. I have a hard time giving my heart away, so reluctant. Now I am afraid that reluctance has multiplied.
I have always wondered what is the point of starting a relationship if you do not feel as if you will fall in love. Still I realize just how fleeting and not enough love is. I never plan to fall or to love. I love people, I care for people. Falling in love does not come easy and usually sneaks up on me in the middle of the night. I know I have been in love with only two people.
One of my best friends from high school, innocent and lovely. Our connection has always been strong and continues to be so. I am sure we have known one another in past lives.
The second was all-consuming; passion and fire. The love came over me so quietly, so stealth-like. I was only looking for a good time, for sex. As she was. Before she knew it I could feel the words forming on her breath. I did not want it. I told her, "Not another peep" as we laid together sweaty, intertwined.
Until I fell as well. I became hers soon afterward.
She left her life in Olathe, her ex-boyfriend, her cats (ok she had partial custody). Moved into a studio apartment downtown but resided in my bedroom. We would make love until the sun dawned through my windows. Eventually we decided that since we practically lived together we should actually live together.
The pendulum of our relationship swung back and forth. Passion, violence, pain, joy, innocence, knowing. In love.

She has moved back into her old life. Olathe. Ex-boyfriend. Cats. Making me doubt everything. It's not as if I didn't doubt before, I did. She just makes it look so easy. 3 1/2 years and they don't seem to skip a beat. He acts as if he likes being used, being taken advantage of. True I let her do much of it to me but I know she has put him through a lot more. (He would drive her to my house so we could fuck and then pick her up in the morning so she could go to work.) I knew that if things got rough between us he would be the one she would run to because he takes all that she dishes out.
Imagine taking your girlfriend back after her 3 1/2 year sabbatical with another woman. I cannot.

Just not sure where that leaves me. And should it really leave me anywhere? I have picked up my life and continue to move forward. But looking back and figure out the past helps me to dismantle and put back the pieces of these past years, to put myself back together.

beep beep goes the processor

2006-02-24T20:18:00.000-05:00

Processing. Processing.
In the act of working through and figuring out exactly how I want my life to go.
Talking with others about what's going on seems to help a bit. Took myself to a film which was helpful as well.
Today I turned off my phone which helped me to focus on myself more. 'Its just a phone' is what I was told last night. But its not; it is so much more. Its a potential connection to others whether online or off. I can do everything from texting to calling to emailing (hell I can even check myspace sometimes.). It is absolutely ridiculous. In all the craziness that was/is February I forgot to disconnect for myself.

Dealing with possibilities, endings, and past regrets. The complex has grown.
Yes, yes. I am going to harp on this. I am going to delve. I am seen as an intense person. Yes, intense, intimidating.
I guess this can be both a good and bad. I am a serious person. Too serious I would say most days. Even my fun is serious. I guess for many people that can be too much. I understand that.
That doesn't mean that I don't want to have fun, to have a good time. That doesn't mean I want to rush into a relationship. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't be happy with just today. I was told that I shouldn't change me.

--
My spirit's crush factor seems to be getting around. I get crushes so easily. Gender, sexuality be damned. My being enamored with someone crosses all kinds of boundaries and knows no limits. I gave up long ago trying to understand it or fix it - it just is. It is me.
--

Yesterday I got a reading from Quan Tracy Cherry. The subject of how deeply I feel things came up. Staying in the past holds me back. My mother came up in the reading twice. He told me to continue on my path - do not allow her or myself to stop me. The main card he pulled was the Ace of Cups. In his deck the Ace of Cups is represented by a figure diving into water. In the water a swan lies in wait - that swan is to represent myself. The work that I have started will manifest in coming into my own power within the next couple of years. The work is justified - I didn't need a reading to figure that out but it is good to have validation.
For the rest he told me to follow my instinct to head out there - regardless of school.
I had a reading done by another reader. Much of the same he told me to find my anchor. To make sure I had people in place when I arrived. He even has some advice for the places that I was looking at. Here is not where I belong. I don't think you need to be a psychic to read that.

Although I was not a main organizer the Sex Fair had taken a lot of space in the last two weeks. From bar to bar, club to club. Sending out reminders, passing out fliers and condoms. Threats from the administration to halt the consent tent or be shut down. We complied but the aftereffects of the Sex Fair have yet to fully form. Hopefully it turns out ok but I need to learn more before I talk about it. Otherwise the fair was a success. Many people showed up and everything came out really well. We were even on the 10 o' clock news - live broadcasts and all.

I needed to disconnect for most of the day but that did not stop me from having coffee with Destin. Coffee without quotations. Good conversation. Got more explanations. Learned some things that I don't know if I needed to know but its all good. Reminded me of the times when I would come by her office and an hour or two would pass by without me noticing (I am sure my boss noticed.).
I think we are good now. No need to cut bitches. I kid, I kid.

That tree I was barking up well I put my foot in my mouth and I think I bit off a toe.
Mentioned something - out of what I thought was funny - and well it did not go over too well. I thought it was nothing to get upset about but I was wrong - so very wrong.
"You shouldn't have told me that." Yep.
I pretty much got kicked out after that. I am leaving things to cool off for today with the hopes of salvaging a friendship.
In some ways I think I may have intended to wound because she told me some things that did not sit too well with me. I was blind-sided and I just started talking - again do not confuse me, people. It is still no excuse but it is what it is. I will apologize and move forward.

I need to keep myself from dwelling. Think through, process, move on. Learn the lesson you need to learn and move forward with that knowledge.

VD Madness

2006-02-16T20:20:00.000-05:00

I am now home after just leaving Tootsie's. Don't ask.
The hangover is gone so I guess it is time to write about my Valentine's Day activities and festivities. A day of disclaimers, possibilities and other assorted nonsense.

Let us start off with some of the nonsense. Seems that the administration is getting a bit jittery about our upcoming Sex Fair. There were talks of shutting down the fair, not selling vagina chocolates, and completely cutting out our Consent Tent.
We were not allowed to table yesterday and sell our vagina chocolates to the student body. So many weird emergency committee meetings - meetings that had none of the organizers present, mind you.

____

Things are full speed ahead with the exception of the Consent Tent. One of the more controversial aspects of the Sex Fair with a very simple intent. You and your partner/friend/willing stranger write your names on a consent card and choose the activity of your choice, which you agree to do for 90 seconds.
Now I know you creative folks can imagine the things that you can do within the privacy of a stand-up tent for 90 seconds. Well the administration can imagine and are scared for their collective asses. I was only slightly scared that I would have no one to consent with - Maria has now agreed to tap dance with me for 90 seconds in the tent. I am no longer worried. :)
We plan to have the tent unless they tell us otherwise and provide documentation on how they came to their decision. I want this damn tent more than anything at this point.
I say that if they want to shut down our consent tent we set up an impromptu tent state, everybody get in the tents with giant signs in front of them saying "We Consent!"

Interestingly we had a meeting with Mel Tyler today. I walked in a couple of minutes after the start of the meeting, silently set down, whipped out my reporter's notebook, and started writing. At this point he got this super stiff with a mean look on his face. He starts to grill me about who I am and what I am doing there. Am I a reporter or a student? I simply state the my name is Jovan and that I am a member of Feminists United and I also work for the University News. He demands to know if I am there as a member of the press or Feminists United. Hilarious. I keep my cool - I always keep my cool in these situations. He looked like he was about to start frothing from the mouth or get up and snatch my notebook from me.

It was quite lovely to have that power to make certain people so uncomfortable and upset that they very visibly lose their composure. He then speeds through the meeting and promises to pay us for the missed sales out of his very own pocket. We have our sex fair and wait on word of the tent. So far a win.

___

The rest of my V-Day was filled with classes and doing last minute readings for them. I really had no plans or expectations for this day - I never do. i wore a skirt but not for V-Day, I kept trying to wear the damned thing but never got around to it. I was super cute with my short khaki skirt, knee-hi brown/orange argyle socks, my light brown argyle running shoes, and a light pink striped polo. Must also mention that I had my big silver hoops in. Black women with fros and silver hoops are hot by default.
During the afternoon Kylie brought me two white roses and a Care Bear valentine. Very nice but unnecessary. (This is the second time in two weeks that people have just given me roses. Im more of a lavender girl. Roses are nice but so common. :P)

I bought myself some Chinese food and quite time at my office desk. Class was dull as usual. I swear my class is filled with glass-eyed cows.
I rushed out of class to find a computer. People kept sending me messages and reading them from my cell phone is a long and arduous process.

Starting messaging back and forth with a certain woman of interest. I was told that it was fine we date but "it has to be slow and stealthy ninja dating".

Fine. (That is not a pissed 'fine' but a slightly amused 'fine'. Text leaves so much to be desired sometimes.)

I understand caution; I understand that dating is a terrifying experience that lesbians tend to avoid at all costs. I also understand that lesbians - or at least all of the lesbians I come into contact with - are scared of me. Not in a Im-gonna-get-beat-up scared but there is an irrational fear that I am trying to tie them down into matrimony and joint pets. I am getting a complex and V-Day only helped to increase this. More of that later.
While working that out Maria and I talk and decide to skip Afentra's VD Party where we were supposed to volunteer for Planned Parenthood. Hell it was 5.30 and I had no intentions of going. My new plan for the evening was to go home, reheat my Chinese leftovers, smoke a bowl, and watch Kung Fu Hustle. This sounded like a divine V-Day plan that I could get behind.

That was not to be.

Maria and others had plans to gather the singles together and see the Burly-Q Girls at the Brick. Sort of a FU VD type night. This was something I could get behind as well.
I take care of the dishes, put away my Chinese leftovers, and walk to Maria's place. After Maria finishes preparing for our outing we walk upstairs to Destin's apartment. We all hop into Diana's ride and head out.

Once there we get our drinks and Jacob joins us. I decided to start out with a pepsi and vodka. The show starts, we are having a great time. The Burly-Q Girls put on an awesome show. I continue with more drinks. I am then drunk. Drunk as fuck to everyones amusement.

I am a sassy and sometimes sexually vulgar drunk but I am no fighter. I know when we need to move to a new topic or when I need to start moving my body. It is truly a beautiful disaster.

At one point I actually squirted lube on this guy - Jacob was a bad influence. When I get drunk I get really really honest. I don't think Im mean really but I get more direct. At one point Diana and I are talking about women and getting laid. I think I said something to the effect that I wasn't asking forever but someone who would eat my pussy, occasionally have dinner, and have good conversations with. (This is drunken frustration at this point.) I shout 'damn bitches' or something like that and point at Destin. She looks at me like 'what' and then runs over. I say I didn't mean bitches in a mean way - which I didn't. It was more of a funny how-fucked-up-is-that way. (Imagine me trying to write this while drunk. Im not seeing it!)
She is hugging me and rocking me side to side as she apologizes for her behavior and blah blah blah. I drunkenly tell her that she shouldn't have done that because when we first talked I made sure that I got across that we were friends and that the sex was secondary. This goes for any of my friends/dates/misc: If you have a problem with me or anything else, talk to me. Don't freak out and run away.

She kept saying that she likes me and I am awesome but she is damaged goods.

___

I tell you girls are dizzying. I'm not sure what people expect of me or how they see me. I like to think I am a rational person and it personally offends me when people act or treat me like I am irrational. Not sure if that makes much sense but that is how I feel. And we all know feeling are not rational.

We are all damaged goods. I am damaged goods.

If you live, breathe, love, interact with other human beings it is a given that you are damaged goods. There is no one who is a perfect person who is in a perfect mental place with a perfect life. I do not believe in that.
They keep telling me that I can do better, that I am better than they are. I reject that as false.

What happened to that part in dating where you try to 'sell' yourself to the other person. It's as if I were to go into a used car lot to ask about this cute little car. The salesman goes on to tell me that its a lemon, I really do not want it and that I can find a better car somewhere else. Well that is no way to get business or sell that damned car.
You can be honest about yourself without trying to bludgeon and scare people away. The truth will do. Do not over-blow the bad but don't undersell the good. Everyday it is my goal to be true to myself and to share that with others.

I am not perfect. I am not beautiful. I am still learning, still growing up.

I have some stuff together but its all put together with gorilla glue and duct tape.

I would hate to think I put across this image of wanting everything to be perfect when all I want is for everything to be ok. Ok isn't the most exciting states of being but its better than being suicidal and better than turning a blind eye to the bad of the world.

I am not trying to rush into another relationship. I am not going to shun someone's company because I may actually like them.

I think that is my main problem, I can understand so much from opposing sides. Understanding where someone comes from keeps me from demanding what I really want. This is not just in romantic relationships. I tend to be a bit too accommodating sometimes. Not sure if that is something that will stop anytime soon.

___

The rest of the night went by with more drinks and laughter. Trying to hook Maria up with a certain someone. Hey, even if I am not getting any I am happy to hook others up. Just don't bring that sappy lovey dovey bullshit my way or I will projectile vomit over the offending couple. There is only so much I am willing to accommodate.
Back to Destin's to smoke and drink a little more. Went through Pancho's drive thru on the way back. Somehow the whole car ended up singing Kanye West's 'Golddigger'. Please people it is truly embarrassing when people discover that I can sing this shit word for word.

As soon as I get in the apartment I leap back onto the big chair and invite the kitty to sit with me. Everyone is dragging behind, still in the hallway. Destin leans over me, grabs my jacket and tells me that she really likes me. I'm not quit sure where the hell that came from. I think I told her that I know. Don't confuse me when I'm drunk.
I take the beer that I am offered. Decline the meaty pizza - I have decided not to tempt my stomach to empty its contents everywhere.

Music, talking, laughing. I have kicked off my shoes and am on the floor - the tailless cat keeps my company. Flirting going on the other side of the room. Gradually one by one people start to leave. A drunken me, tailless cat, and Destin. After a while, Destin, the perfect 'gentleman' herself, puts on her shoes to take me home. I wasn't expecting anything else.

happenings of sorts 2

2006-02-12T20:26:00.000-05:00

I worked on downloading the columns to edit when I awoke. I fell asleep quickly and woke just as quick because I needed to be up in two hours. I needed to submit my columns to the paper and head to Dee Jay’s for ‘Coffee Talk’ before I was set for class. (Do not ask how I thought all of this was to happen.) When I woke there was a bit of snow on the ground, I needed to sweep snow off my car. I headed to the newspaper and my car started sliding back down the steep driveway because the school had not laid down salt the night before. I parked illegally to run in and submit the columns. Of course the network was down so I was unable to do so.

I move on to my next destination DeeJay’s house for ‘Coffee Talk’. ‘Coffee Talk’ is a weekly event where this group of lesbian friends gets together to have coffee and breakfast at each other’s home. Somehow, Dee Jay has been accepted into the lesbian enclave and therefore I get to tag along. Score! When I arrived I helped Jarrod in the kitchen before everyone started to arrive. Poor Jarrod had to go to work so he did not get a chance to stay for breakfast. After breakfast, everyone then goes to work on house projects, shop or see a movie together. Today the project was to go pull up the carpet at one of the girls father’s house. (I was not expected to join in on this. Thank goodness!) These girls were super-nice to me and made sure I was included in the conversations. I was invited to the next ‘Coffee Talk’. Double score!
At one point earlier in the day, I decided either I was not going to class or I was going in late. I opted not to go, helped DeeJay clean up, and got a chance to watch the L Word while I edited and submitted my columns.

We watched more tv and decided that we were hungry so we took a chance and tried to cook without Jarrod. We came out with some delicious pasta. Sleep was taking over my mind so I headed home with a to-go container of our chicken pasta mixture. I told DeeJay to call me later as we were both invited to Jarrod’s White Trash Birthday party. I got home and fell fast asleep. Set my alarm to wake me in five hours. DeeJay had called me at some point to make sure I was still going. I got dressed and headed out the door.
Once there I got to meet Jarrod’s friends and cousin. The one other person I knew there was Holly. She is a nice girl with an awesome haircut. I had fears before that he was trying to hook her up with Bianca but I think she is way too smart and perceptive to tackle that project. I hope we can become friends as she has plans to move to Kansas City soon and knows no one here.
Dinner consisted of chicken fries from Burger King accompanied by an array of dipping sauce packets, green eggs and spam, rotelle cheese dip, tater tot casserole, and coca-cola cake. We divided ourselves into three groups and played Cranium. For the first half of the game we were playing completely wrong. Upon further reading of the directions we finally figured it out but not before some groups were way behind and others way ahead – we then started everyone from a middle point and continued to play. Throughout the evening Bianca kept calling both DeeJay and Jarrod - it was a bit much after a while. Between smoke breaks, humdingers, and blind sketches we finally finished the game after what felt like two hours.

I decided to leave as I wanted to head by the paper and then find food and my bed at home. That was not to be as I received a phone call from my mad scientist friend, Tiff. She demanded that I join her at Fric n Frac due to being ignored by her girlfriend and trapped with a bunch of under-21 lesbians – most of who have slept with her girlfriend. This is never good if you have half a brain. So of course I went.
I got there and Tiff ran to me and hugged me tight. This isn’t too out of the ordinary for her but I was taken back because her girlfriend was there. I spotted Ashley across the table and decided to greet her. She looked up to see who poked her and jumped up to hug me. As she did Tiff shouts, “That is a kiss me look not a hug me look!” Ashley and I roll our eyes and talk a little bit. The server comes up to ask if I wanted to order. Got an beef/lamb gyro – one of the reasons I could never be a vegetarian.

I sit on the stools off to the side so Tiff can tell me her girl troubles. By this time, I have stolen Ashley’s phone and her glasses as well. I take photos of myself in the glasses . Have I mentioned that I look absolutely adorable in glasses? It’s true.
I cannot get her damned phone to set my picture as the caller id so I leave the photo on her phone. I snap a picture of her for my caller id. Talk to Tiff some more. She goes to talk with her girlfriend and I make Ashley sit down with me to update me on the changes she is making. It seems she has matured a lot lately. Decided to step back from falling in and out of love (yea right) and take care of her health and overall life. I think this is awesome and wish her all of the luck in the world. We tackle the gossip surrounding her. In between this Tiff is trying to hug up on me and stand between my legs, luckily her girlfriend starts paying attention to her, she leaves to pda with her. Ashley then tells me what her actual numbers are. Find out that I was definitely the first to get her off. I gave a cheer and she laughed. Sex is such tricky business in the world of lesbians.

More younger lesbian showed up. Make some small talk with Cassondra. At this point, I decided to escape just as everyone had decided to check out Ashley’s new stereo system. After I pay my bill there is a good 10 to 15 teenage lesbians standing around the parking lot with loud music playing. I was frightened as I had my ‘old moment’. I pretty much sped out of there.
Home for sleep. Had to get up early in order to start/finish my Boykin article. Worked through most of that when it came time for me to leave, I wanted to get a chai from the Planet before I headed to class. When I arrived Kathryn, Maria, Melissa, and Destin greeted me. Maria and Destin asked what happened to me on Friday night. I told them that we were at the Planet and elsewhere. Maria gives me a funny grin and laughs under her breath – she knows we will talk about it Monday morning. I get chided for my bad phone skills and having others make phone calls for me. I feel bad but not.

I sit down and immediately turn around to talk to Kathryn. The rest leave soon. We talk for a bit before I need to head off to class.
Class was so boring but really short. Our lab only took a couple of hours. I have time to kill and an article to finish so I roll back to the Planet. I decide to get some artisan tea and grab a pack of smokes – writing is so much easier with these tools at hand. The gay men and Britney Spears had invaded the coffeehouse but I still got the article finished.
Headed back to the paper with pizza and soda for our workshop and meeting.

Workshop and meeting over I have been sitting here writing. It has been a happy but hectic week. I am sure this week will be less hectic but I still need to work on modifying my schedule. I need to keep a better balance between social and work so I don’t fall into these over-social patterns. I wish I didn’t work so much but if I didn’t I wouldn’t get to go on the trips I have planned for this year. I want my weekends back, dammit!

happenings of sorts 1

2006-02-12T20:22:00.000-05:00

I have a little bit of downtime as I am avoiding going to the Planet for the third time today and have nothing to do at the newspaper at this moment.

This has been quite the week, mostly on a social level.
Monday and Tuesday were filled with classes and getting ready for the rest of the week.

Wednesday was Pin-Up Grrrls: Feminism, Sexuality, Popular Culture with local feminist art historian Dr. Maria Elena Buszek. I was drafted into the Women’s Center Event Army. For most of the day I hung out in the Women’s Center and helped make buttons for the Sex Fair. I got to handle food shopping with Maria and technical nonsense for the actual event. If the Women’s Center did not offer me so many cigarettes, food, and entertainment, I would have to start charging for my services. Technical difficulties and overcrowding had us running around manic. Jacob, Destin, and Elyse showed up to the event. I suggested that we go to the Fetish Ball that Maria and I were planning to go attend. They agreed (this will be something to remember for later).
Awesome lecture. At one point, I was the only black person in the room, which is quite startling when Elena started talking about Ebony magazine – that is another entry within itself.

That day I also sorta lamely asked a girl out – there is a blog somewhere that details how lame but I am not inclined to provide a link. Just know that she agreed, which I would not find out til Thursday.

Yes, we have cell phones and each other’s numbers but we are also lesbians. Somehow, that explains it all – just ask my roommate, Nick.
After the event, I helped clean up a bit and went home to try to pass out because the next day would be just as hectic.
Classes and trying to get my interview together took up most of the morning. Still no word about the damned interview so I figured Boykin’s shitty personal assistant was blowing me off. Maria suggested we go out to Independence Center to shop at Torrid for outfits for Friday’s Fetish Ball – I got nothing to wear but I did get some blue and red acrylic talons.

Went home to eat a bit and sleep a bit as well, there were plans to go out after Boykin. Boykin was awesome and touched on a bunch of subjects that I was very happy to hear. He lingered a bit too long on Christianity but as a black man raised in a religious household that is to be expected. Black homosexuals and the black church is often a touchy subject. The question and answer session was mortifying as one of my friends got up to ask him some questions. Nice girl but the phrase, “I licked a vergina,” was repeated multiple times.
I got Boykin to sign a copy of his book, One More River to Cross: Black & Gay in America, he wished me good luck with D.C plans.
Afterwards Maria, Tasha, and I went to McCoys for drinks and bruschetta. Dee Jay joined us, then Jarrod. We decided to head to Re: Verse for half-price Mojito night (my new favorite drink). Tasha decided not to join us. Re: Verse has awesome Mojitos and there was much conversation to be had. We talked about everything from urban development tax credits to my sex life and current Kansas City lesbian nonsense (the names/details have been left out to protect the innocent and not-so innocent).
Went over to the DJ to talk about his set and compliment him on the set he did on my birthday. Nice mini conversation with him, he seemed very happy for the momentary company and appreciation. When we left he grabbed me to give me this mix cd he made earlier in the day, on it he wrote his website and name. I talked with DeeJay and Jarrod after Maria got in her car to leave. It was so cold but there was more that I needed to say about the women in my life. I got home at a horrible hour and needed to wake up in time for work.

Thursday I woke a bit late but managed to get to work on time. There was much to actually get done today. Lots of installing of software and fixing profiles and whatnot (my job at the lab is pretty boring most of the time).
In between installing software, I was actually able to check my email and whatnot. Included in one was an invitation to the Nelson with a very interesting woman (the same that I had asked out earlier in the week.). I, of course, said yes. Somehow I was going to manage to cram in Fetish Ball shopping, dressing, Fetish Ball attending, a nap, a date, and newspaper editing (let’s just say that last part didn’t get done until later the next day).
Jam packed I asked to leave a half-hour early. Stopped to talk to Maria briefly before the mad dash to get everything done. Shopping with Dee Jay at Target, also ran by Lane Bryant for long-line bras and TJ Maxx for cute underwear (the dress I planned to wear was super-short.). We took way to long at Target grabbing up super clearance nonsense. DeeJay got so much that we knew not even half of it would fit in my little Civic. I had to take him home to his car and he went back alone to get all of his stuff. I needed to head out so I could head by Pricilla’s for fishnets and a garter belt. I was able to get in a tiny nap in before I needed to head out to meet her at the Nelson. (Must think of a nickname or something.) We met at six for New Perspectives on Art: a World of Stories. Interesting stories but after the second story we inconspicuously set down our safari stools to find her friend Jess and decided to go out to eat as Electromediascope had already started.

She took me to this Thai food restaurant. I had these chicken thai pad noodles, it was so big I couldn’t eat it all. There was much discussion throughout dinner and we camped there for at least a good hour after we were finished. At one point she asked me how did I know that I would not get back with my ex. I was not expecting this answer but I’m not sure if the answer was understandable. Basically I know because I have decided to mentally move on. If I thought that I would like to get back with her then I would not break all contact with her; in my mind and heart, it is over. Now I hate to say ‘never’ but I do not think us every getting back together is in the cards.
I also got a call from Ashley to come join her and her friend Cassondra at Fric n Frac for pool – I declined. Not so surprisingly, we headed to the Planet afterwards.

[I guess I must explain how I met this girl. I had been checking her out at the Planet, I didn’t go up to her before because she had people surrounding her. She then found my profile on MySpace and added me. I accepted her invitation and sent her a message promising to introduce myself in person. I think that was a couple of weeks ago. Throughout these two weeks, we email back and forth. We talk every time we see each other - not exactly short conversations either.]

I got phone calls from DeeJay about not being able to get a hold of Maria. I told Jacob that I still had not heard anything either. We still had plans for the Fetish Ball. I was not too concerned because I was enjoying her company. We stayed until closing.
This is where the night gets a bit strange as far as me remembering in a linear fashion. She showed me the house she was originally looking to buy, I then asked to see the house she did buy. Her house is huge with this awesome triangle-like window in the back. We then head to my apartment, we talk in the car. I get concerned about her using her gas to idle so I invite her up. She declines citing the time as a factor. This was around 1 am. I had forgotten about the voicemail icon that appeared on my phone – I assumed it was my mom since she had called me and I had ignored it.

We continued to talk more. She then asked if I had ever visited the Federal Courthouse (where she works in the library). [I know you are probably reading this, let me know if I need to cut this out.]
Around 1.30 we end up at the Courthouse, where the cleaning crew is now leaving. She gives me a tour. We enter the law library and she shows me the view over the entire city. From this giant window, we can see the lights of Kansas City, KS, downtown Kansas City, and North Kansas City. Absolutely gorgeous view. The lights are dazzling. If only I had my camera. If there is one thing people should know about me is I love night city views and bright shiny lights. After we leave the library, she shows me the bell room. Then to the main entrance where we they have these giant statues in the entryway – the guardians of justice or something. The building is entirely empty and the elevators talk to you.

We then headed back to my apartment where we talked until 4.30 in the morning. At one point it started snowing. We talked about everything from racism and black culture to DNA; we also talked about exes, childhood and other assorted nonsense. It was quite the night and I did not even get to the Fetish Ball.

To be continued…

truth

2005-12-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

Some people in the life I cannot lie to. When I talk to these people the words, pain, and laughter just come tumbling out. I don't hide behind the veneer of 'I'm okay.' or 'It's fine.'
It just happens so naturally. I don't hold my toungue and they open their ears to receive what I have to say. They are few in numbers which makes my love for them so much more.

This is so different from the rest of the world who just wish to lay thier words and secrets into me. I am a good listener and I have been since I was a child. I observe, I take notice, I learn about people. For the most part I really enjoy hearing the stories that people have to tell, hearing the pieces of their lives that they wish to share. But with that comes my own silence. Everybody wants to be heard and I think most people can forget that in the telling of their own tales. I've just become so used to it and expect it.

That is not to say that I wish to talk talk talk, that is not me either. Just occasionally interject a piece of myself into the world if only to make sure I am still alive.

fall and rise or something like that

2005-11-05T20:30:00.000-05:00

Well it happened and it was wonderful. Discussions of expectations and desires. Coy smiles and flustered speech. Her eyes are so expressive while her figidty nature betrays the nervous sexual energy.
Back to my place. Her ready smile put me at ease so I opted for lights on. The kissing was phenomenal and came so easy - no awkward positioning or missed marks. She has beautifully full lips that know exactly where to brush, push and pull back. Clothes came off so easily and without incident. Next I know were on the bed and Im loving every moment. It was as if we were having sex for the 20th time - I didnt feel self conscious about my body or noises and she seemingly knew every spot to stroke. She responded to every moan, scratch and bite in kind. Awesome - as in 3 orgasms - sex.

All I wanted was a good time and with no guilt - well I got both with the next morning feeling happy but sleepy. Wishing that I would not use my cell phone as an alarm so I can turn it off at night.

After she left the hazy after was shattered by calls for explanation and admission of supposed shame. I refused to comply and Red wishes to smash that desire with insincere calls to loyalty and friendship. Admitting that she intervened on her own detached feelings and "friends dont keep secrets!" Well friends also do not hold their friends belongings hostage. Or call them a slut when knowing beforehand what was going down and encouraging it. I understand her ego is feeling bruised and she is combative about sex but she promised she would not go there.

This is something that will be nipped in the bud and I refuse to let it ruin the experience.

numb

2005-06-12T21:34:00.000-04:00

i felt the itch to run out of my house. to go where i have not a clue. i drove. thought maybe i was hungry but the food didn't taste the same. heavy feeling of being alone. could not think of anyone to call or what i would say if i reached someone. called myself instead with a message of loneliness and confusion. i was unfazed. i found one of the highest places in kansas city. sat there wishing i could shake out of this blankness. i wanted company but not the shiny happy kind you would find at a bar - although i thought vaguely of it each time i passed someplace. none truly seemed welcoming or perhaps i was the unwelcoming one. i drove here and there, running stop lights and stop signs and driving on the wrong side of the road. i knew i shouldnt be on the streets but i didnt know what to do or really how to get home. every instinct told me to stay away. thought failed me and i stared at the passing road blankly. if i were pulled over i do not think words would have come from my lips.

alone. i know.

days go by

2005-03-31T20:38:00.000-05:00

Many who know me in real life know that I am usually the sober responsible one - the designated driver if you will. Its been a strange two days. I left her a note telling her that I was gone for good. I truly meant it.

Letters were found bearing the name of another girl, my replacement. Or so it would seem. Feelings transposed onto others. Cancelled picnics. But I called for the break. That didn't mean I wanted to be lied to. I was done.

I spent that night anxious for her to find the letter. I could barely sleep and I felt so sick. Weeping myself to sleep. Waking up anxious and extra early. I needed the sleep but could not fall back into it. I spent my morning walking around in a daze. Waiting.

She called me once she found the note. She begged me to understand, to take her back, to love her. The beast was released from my chest and I let her have it all. Luckily I was in the attic office far from the foot traffic of students. I bawled and screamed. Pain that was held in because I called for the break. Understanding but feeling so overlooked, ignored. Talk. Talk. Talk. Attempting to work, her attempting to calm my heart and to reassure. I told her to fuck off.

Spent the day hungry but not wanting to eat. The desire had left me. I drove around searching for food that could go down with my pain. The salad and bread that I usually enjoy felt thin and without flavor. Yet I knew my body needed to eat so I ate. Everyone could feel the sorrow, the pain flowing from my chest. Prying yet unable to loosen the information.

She arrived on a burst of salsa, wishing to whisk me away to western Kansas to chase the pheonix. The paper that I intended to write lay blank. I could not write, only stare.
She tearfully hugged me and convinced me to leave the cocoon of my office so we could talk.

Drive, drive, drive. Past Olathe, past Eudora, past Lawrence, past Topeka. Popping the X that we had bought the night before. Stopping at this antiquated gas station; city folk we could barely figure out the pump. 14.70 on the dot. Attempting to find Tuttle Lake. Finding farms and dusty roads instead and finally the sunset. Colors meshing, sharing the pain, the love, the anger. Hours pass, rolling. Fears aired as well as the truth. Waves crashing into me as I sat happily stunned. Clouds that we wished to live on, to escape the misunderstandings and hurt, the real world.

Intense.

Cops pulled behind us, wondering what two black girls from Kansas City were doing out in the small town so far from home. A break from the grind of school and work. A day trip to see the sunset. They checked and checked everything they could, asking questions matching our stories to our records. Le sigh. After a forever of moments they returned and told us that the sun was to set soon and that we should be on our way thereafter. Must remain polite, we did. They left us to our sunset. Deciding that I should drive back we switched seats and I grabbed my iPod from the trunk to listen over the radio.

Once on the hi-way to head back a cop was sitting on the side of the road and next thing you know were being pulled over again. Driving the speed limit never felt so good. I was told that my frame was blocking my license plate. (*cough*bullshit*cough*) Guess we were being watched earlier as I grabbed my iPod so they requested to search my trunk. Well I mostly live out of my car so backpacks, boxes, and sweaters line the inside, nothing to hide. He did a half assed search knowing he had no reason to do so. We could go. Have a nice day.

Lame.

Driving back home we travel different ways, finding new roads, unpeeling the layers of our relationship. Finding new ways home and new understandings of old problems. Missed our normal way home but found another through Tonganoxie, Bonner Springs, Kansas City Kansas. Met up with a magic man who fed us more candy. Dropped by the office to get her keys so we could nest at her home.

Dancing, cuddling, crying, remembering. Everything aired. Nearly three years. Talking until the dawn, music washing over the house, kitties looking in wonder. Realized that we would not be going to work or school. We spent the morning loving and she let go of the control and I felt like a goddess. Giving and taking pleasure. Beating new records so easily.

Waking in the afternoon determined to run to the bank and finish my paper. Office hours forgotten, meetings cancelled. I churned it out with her by my side, critiquing, suggesting. Knowing that we would spend that night the same as before. The grind calls and we wanted no distraction left for the rest of the semester.

Bewitched.

So much discussion. Quick words sliding off our tongues, an exciting crescendo. Dancing to wonderful ballads and compositions. Apologies for past actions and inactions. Feeding each others desire to be more. Yet sleep lulled me as we cuddled in the bed together with all of the animals. Words of love still poised on our lips as we awake to find the other still there.

The morning spent trying to avoid the world that drags on. Deciphering our merged auras. Happy tears of the morning jazz. The rush of responsibility pulling us out of the bed. The world waiting, we rejoin.

The Fool's Journey...

2003-03-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

This has been a long time coming.